i guess i've had enough of this whole i-wanna-have-full-control of whatever that takes place in your life. i guess it's time that people wake up their ideas and realise that the world isn't just made of one single sex, it consists of both female and male. i think you should be open minded, and susceptible to accepting changes. it's not right to compare and judge whatever i do and what my sister did in her time spent in jc, because for one, we're totally different people with different characters, ideas and mindsets. and two, times have changed, especially when my sister and i are nine years apart, close to a decade. the trend then and the trend now are 2 totally different things and i have tried to explain things to you but somehow you don't seem to be able to see the bigger picture. so i guess there isn't much i can do. sometimes it's not that i want to lie, but it's cuz you're always placing restrictions about doing this and that, so i hafta say i went shopping instead of what i actually went to do cuz i know if i said the truth, you would haf said no. and with all your uncalled for suspicions, it makes me want to have to lie more cuz im afraid i'll step out of line. i guess alot is about changing your perspective. it's no use saying that i have changed, when in the first place you never did take the effort to understand me, so what right do you have to judge me and say that i have changed? i guess it takes both sides to work together to make things alright, but with you and your conservative ideas, its never gonna work out. i don't understand why can't you be supportive of me when it comes to certain things? why can't i talk to you just like how the rest do with their mothers about problems that every other teenager faces. its no use trying to get to know me better simply by going out more often with me. the crux of the problem is still the fact that you are unable to accept things, to truly take time to sit down adn listen with an open mind and from there, understand things better. i guess you just make this hols very much hated, esp since i haf to stay at home and face this whole i am suspicious of your every move attitude. you're only pushing me to spend more time in sch or outside when the hols end. and this is exactly what i had planned a long time ago.

smile my sunshine!

and i couldn't find anyone else like you.

tonight this heart is better off, black and dead.

i think it's amazing we all survived uhh 2 terms of jc, and 5 months that have passed? haha how scary how time flies and we're gonna hafta mug for promos now! arghhh! anyway friday was a damn sian day! it was so lethargicly annoying that my dear junqi, whose normally miss prim and proper and attends all lessons, decided to skip econs lecture! i wouldn't have if she didn't ask me to!

oh and den after school was pepper lunch and toys r us! haha all the toys u used to play with, except more glamed up and high tech now! it was FUN! ((:

today's econs tution was hilarious though! liteng came to attend it for the first time! and den after that i had macs lunch w cheryl, finally had a proper face to face talk with her, which made me feel better! could finally say whatever i wanted to say without worrying about people passing comments and making judgements! mmm!

this is the start of hols and it had better not pass so fast like how 5 months in jc has passed!

bad choice to stay at home today! all i did was have piano, read some of my notes and then spent the rest of the day slacking! should haf gone to sch, at least i would have listened in class and learn something. but i think i needed the break too though! cuz i was quite annoyed by certain things that happened in school today. i still don't see the rationale behind it, but nevermind. all these will end soon! and all those self assuming, power grabbing people will no longer matter!

well my sister's off to europe on sat! im so jealous cuz i just read her itineary and she's going to london and paris and barcelona and so many other places! barcelona, mind you! that's the place i want to go ! that's what i mean by going to a city that has gothic architecture and richly cultured! and she's going to get to go to claire's and buy all the nice accessories there! grr! why do we hafta haf terms aft the hols! if we didn't have that, i think i would haf gone on a long trip for 2 weeks also!! :(

so anyway the day is starting to get quite boring. no one was really online today, except cheryl ang cuz she had some holiday thingy. i am starting to get quite lethargic. okay i shall go look for things to do now.

today was an extremely slack day. i went to school thinking that i was going to have lessons for the whole day, so i packed all my heavy worksheets. and then when i got there i realised that they still wanted me to go down even after my listening compre, so anyhoo i went all the way down to yishun safra to support bowling. wasn't too pleased initially, but it turned out better than normal school cuz i got dismissed at 11, 12 plus? went to northpoint with some of the elects to have macs, and sorta talked and joked around and got to know them better! this guy treated all of us to ice cream as well! said he wanted to use up all his money cuz money's meant to be spent? weird analogy. o and i wonder how june camp's gonna be like. im not looking forward to it, neither am i dreading it. just neutral, and gonna see how things go!

so anyway yepp i got home early! and i wanted to bathe and start studying since i have so much time..but guess what, my dear sister had to hog the toilet for an hour! so i fell asleep on the sofa for like an hour in my sch uni? but anyway i fell asleep for 2 hours in the aftnoon, so din really study much.

i missed you today mann!

okay so that was basically my day. for now im just gonna talk to everyone online, and den see how things go for tmr. haha okay. im out.

i feel like school's been weighing me down alot. like this uneasy unnatural feeling of always worrying about something, even if it is the easiest and simplest thing. sometimes i think about it, and i realise that 80percent of my time is spent in school? it never really used to be like that, at least not for long periods like these. well i don't know but i am not really looking forward to the holidays cuz it's gonna be the most taxing june hols i've ever had. it's like one month away from terms, and it worries me alot cuz i know things aren't exactly on track and i have to find a way to remedy everything, and with only one month, i don't think it'll be that sufficient..well yeah okay i just think school's been really hectic. was just watching discovery travel and living during dinner, and they were showing globe trekker. and then i just wished at that moment that i was the host of the show, so that i can go around the world seeing new places, especially places that are like english countryside with the grey skies, little houses, quiet roads, little churches here and there and mostly green fields that covers the entire area with the occasional sight of lambs and mountains in the background view. wouldn't that be a great getaway? you don't have to deal with school, homework and all the other seemingly pressing issues in life.

so he's got an exam tmr, i hope he does well! somehow i also worry, even though it's absolutely nothing that's got to do with me! i wish i had a little more time to spend with him today though. i just wasn't in the mood for a lot of things.

maybe i shld get to sleep soon. i realise sleeping is a hideaway too, unless you dream about schooll also. okay im off.

short post and den im off to do my work! school today was so tiring and long. lectures lessons tutorials ended at 430 and den i had to go off for council till about seven. but it was fun anyway, did some rope course stuff and it was fun talking to everyone.

felt stupid again today, near breaking point again for some reason.

well hmm, nothing interesting seems to have happened for me to blog about. the week's been pretty mundane and long. i think it feels like we have lesser public hols this year? like last year there was always a public hol once every 3 weeks and this year we seem to have a shortage. why are the weeks so long!

i think i am quite stressed over things though. finding ways and means here and there. i'll get by, yes?

okay gp essay is calling! im not fond of it! :(

1.50am. no im not okay, im not that okay as it seems. but there isn't anything i can do. just a whole lot more of courage.

bad night

i realised crying helps to release a lot of the pent up things in you. so i guess this has been going on for quite a fair bit in me, i've never said what i really thought, cuz what if what i really thought was just the opposite of your thinking? wouldn't that make things worse? i always say that i'll do this and that if i see them talking. but somehow i can never bring myself to say those things for some reason. well how do you know what you're feeling is right or wrong? how do you know when you are feeling and thinking too much? how and when do you know that it's the right time to place restrictions? what if the restrictions are just too suffocating? i don't know. i really don't know. and worse of all, i don't know how to say everything.

at least the longest day of my week is over! i finally did the gp test! now im just hoping i pass and get enough marks to pull up my essay, or i'll be so dead for ca marks! well yeah today was a boring day, the one hour twenty min break felt like eternity, and i ended up taking walks with fel and disturbing rebecca at the nachos booth! ooh and today was the first day i sat through chem lecture without falling asleep, and understanding everything that was going on!

i have a zuowen to do now and i don't feel like writing cuz the topics are just so boringg! i find it so ridiculous though, all my sec school life i struggled with passing and aceing higher chinese, and now im back to sq1 doing chinese in jc again. it's quite stupid cuz i should have just taken normal chinese in sec sch cuz the syllabus was like way much easier! grr!

no piano today. i feel guilty i keep cancelling.

i have a feeling im gonna have a big row with my mum this june! as in seriously. something will just trigger it off and then i'll probably say out everything that has been remotely kept inside me. its just waiting to happen.

well tmr's an outing day. im going out no matter what my mum says! it's a friday and i should! hahaha okay im outt to do my zuowen! rawrs!

i just realised that i like doing funny random things. now i wish your bday wasn't over yet, then i can get the thrill of planning something surprising to do, actually doing that something that's surprising, and seeing your reaction! haha!

what if i said what i was thinking
what if that says too much

went down w council to support the rugby match. it was pretty fun, never really got to see the game played upfront since we always sit at the bleachers and the view there isn't exactly clear. well i think they played pretty well, or maybe it's just cuz we were up against nanyang. stood at the bus stop after that waiting for my mum to come and pick me and i had sooo many mosquito bites that i was so irritated! and then got home and lazed around and then he called and talked to him for a while before he went off to study!

hmm i think sometimes it's more of compromising, rather than just hoping that everything else would be rosy. i guess sometimes i don't speak my mind cuz i think that would bring implications. but then again not saying how i feel makes me feel uneasy, so i guess i shall just do it in moderation. sometimes it's not about not trusting. it's like even if you trust, you'll still worry somehow. it's uncalled for worrying but it still happens anyway. i should just take things a little easier right?

i guess im no longer affected by things that used to have a great impact on me. so that's just good, i don't need to put on this front, cuz this is exactly how i feel.

tonight was a awful night. it was just me and my yanyan biscuits. but thank God i had cheryl to talk to me to make this shitty night better!

VESAK DAY! was the day i met up wiht mox and cheryl! it's been a while since i actually sat down and had a proper talk about things that have been going in our lives! it's funny how we hardly see each other nowadays, but each time we meet up, they'll always be something for us to talk about. it's like time and distance isn't a factor to make us drift. so it was lunch at fish and co. i kinda made them wait for me quite long cuz i tot i was meeting them at 1.30pm, but it turned out to be 1pm so i had to rush down. went to shop and look around zara! haven't been there in ages and they have so many nice stuff! saw this pretty green skirt that im considering of getting once i get my allowance! it'll look so beach like!

after that i kinda had to cut short my meeting with mox and cher to get down to cityhall mrt by 3pm. hmm saw many familiar faces here and there. sat at mrs fields for a while and talked crap, and we had a session of baseless and lame accusations, but it was all fun! then we headed back to town again to search for a wallet! the guess wallet was really nice, but there wasn't anymore new pieces at both the paragon and taka outlet. i have a feeling there's another guess outlet but i just can't think of where else. hmm maybe marina sq has one too! so anyway had to cut short my meeting again, and go off for mothers' day dinner at some jap restaurant for buffet! the food wasn't too bad but i was kinda sleepy to take notice anyway!

hmm just had council stuff in the morning. didn't go too badly. hmm.

i don't really like it that my mum's been trying to exercise control over a lot of things right now. like she insists i go for the other econs tuition cuz i missed today's one cuz of council. as in i don't really see the point because it's just one lesson, and going for the tuition is like going for additional lecture. im not gonna benefit that much actually, im just going to be up to date with stuff, which i can read up when i have the time. hmm but i think the more you try to control, the more i feel like rebelling. it isn't gonna work this way.

sometimes i know that after all the fun you have, at the end of the day, there's just this part of me that still feels like something is missing. it's like you know that you have your group of friends for company and all, but sometimes i think that's just not really enough. the familiarity maybe just isn't all there yet, and then you just start feeling nostalgic thinking back on sec sch days.

i don't know. but it's been a really long while.

loh yashi vanessa! this entry goes out to youuuu! see how nice i am to you despite all your repeated suanings of my council one liner and your constant sarcastic mean comments! hmphhhh! better go tag me! (:

I AM BORED! and there's no one to talk to online! everyone's online but no one's saying anything funny/interesting/entertaining! and all the people i wanna talk to have gone to sleep already! whyy whyy whyy! it's a thursday night, an eve before a public hol and people are sleeping so early? where's the logic! and it doens't hel[ that it's really warm and humid! i think i shall go shower again!

i used to get away with so much.
now i can't.

mrt to tanjong pagar, orchard, bishan, khatib, bishan. weirdly relaxing. but it was all worth it! yoohoo it's midweek!

it's not always rainbows and butterflies.
it's compromise that moves us along.

this will be probably the earliest i ever get home this week. jc life really honestly tires me out! thank God for my classmates though! i think they really brighten up my day by the megawatts!!

i guess people change all the time. it's not really that much a case of bad or good change, but more for how great the extent of change is. the same goes with life, we don't ask for things to change, they just happen. but what really matters at the end of the day is how we deal with it, and how able we are to adapt.

i keep trying to make a change, to place a restriction just so that i can hang on to what i have, but it doesn't work and i know the problem will always still exist. so i guess i just hafta learn to accept things and see how it goes.

okay that's enough for today. ((:

the week didn't turn out to be that scary as i thought it would be! in fact, it turned out a whole lot more crazily fun! getting to know the girls in my class more is really quite hilarious! the things that they say and do really gets you laughing so hard! well i hope next week will be a good short 4 days week which leaves me another friday free to get out of the house and go galivanting in town hopefully! i really haven't been to town in quite some time, was supposed to go a few weeks ago with rebecca and amirah but i got busy again! and i don't like being busy!

rj dance night turned out really good though! it was definitely greaattt to see momo perform again! cuz i know she always wanted to ever since sec sch and so on! i actually miss her so much ever since she left ac and i miss hearing her whine to me about her day! we should all catch up together soon!

had tuition this morning with cheryl too! i haven't seen her for the whole week and i have tons and tons of things to tell her but couldn't finish saying cuz she had to go! but it still felt relaxing telling her everything that has happened this week!

and i realised last night on the way back at citylink, that it was the exact same stretch that i was walking on again. but this time, without tears, and bad memories put aside. things are changing.

hmm okay im outt. no one's online! grr!

labour day was a fun day! to the beach to cycle all the way to the end in search of the pink seashells but the tide was too high to see anything so we just hung around for a little while, and buried a tube of mentoes that we agreed will be uncovered 10 years from now! and someone had the dumb idea of planting me at the beach and bringing me food only on weekends! grr! what a lonely idea! and then it was cycling back and going to gelare. sat there and stoned for a little while, and uh, i kinda fell asleep! and then we went to get icecream and ended up ordering some weird flavour called yoghurt with apple crumble or sth. bad choice of flavour, but we finished it anyway. then it was 4 plus, and we decided to get back to the end of the beach to see the tide. so we rented the bike again, which was really expensive, like 8 bucks per hour and cycled there. but this time, it started to pour halfway! and boy was it scary! the lightning and thunder was everywhere suddenly and i thought it was gonna storm really badly but it just rained and then the dumb bicycle chain came out! how awfully scary, i tot i was gonna hafta walk 4km back again! so the rain got heavier so we had to stopby some chalet for a little while to wait for things to subside. and then finally we got backk and took a bus home!

that's what i call an eventful day!

hmm on a not so cheerful note, i think maybe i might just want to be like anyone of you out there. maybe i dun need so much authority, or position. i think all i want is just to have fun, and to know i have people that will always be here for me. i think that's enough to settle everything else and to make everything else pale in comparison.. i really don't know.

okay i gotta catch some sleep. see ya!