hello my tag board has been pretty screwed i realised! anyway the year 2006 is ending, and i must say it passed by pretty fast! i don't think i am actually really that accustomed to jc life yet, and what more leading the juniors next year for orientation?! anyway i guess this year has by far been the more eventful year ever. eventful in the sense, i've really been through a rollercoaster of emotions. i guess some things are not really perfect to end off the year of 2006, but i guess it does signify a new start, and i am hoping things wouldn't be so hard on me and i'll pass this phase really quickly.

well on a brighter side, met so many new people, and patched back so many old friendships. i am really really thankful for friends that have been here for me, people who are so willing and ready to listen to me, and those who swear to always be here. i guess i never realised their worth, only when they really stepped out to help and be there and i guess these are the people that i'll be eternally greatful for!

haha well at least now i know how 2007 is going to turn out. i guess i've seen through so much more, and i really don't think the same mistake i made this year happen in 2007, or for that matter, in future. haha i just think things are so unpredictable, like how the ones you think you can rely on the most, can just suddenly turn cold and leave you. it's such a painful fact, but yet such a great lesson learnt.

ahh well, let's just hope the best for 2007! im so gonna change things for the better!


ahh i can't help wondering where you are tonight, if you're out having fun, you must be anyway. you won't need to feel all the obligations to me anymore anyway. but i guess its true, no point holding on anyway.

hello im backk! ogl camp was a blast! the cheerings, enthusiasm, dances, and basically the overall hyped up spirit that everyone had that makes you look forward to orientation 2007! but sadly, the hols are comng to an end. i still have so many things to do, homework, catching up with other friends, doing the many things i wanted to do after exams. how did time fly so fast! haha!

amidst the incessant chatter and laughter,
i still felt so sad.
it scares me even though i don't even know the outcome yet
what would i do?
how will i take it?
why and where did everything just go wrong?
i've never felt so scared before.

changing situations. the sudden realisation of how everything has been. the desperation to make things right and better. which way was it anyway? both were finding the way to get back on the right track again. so many questions asked. uncertainties, doubts suddenly all surfaced. things that you know you feel it only in your heart, it's difficult to put these feelings into words to express, some things you just know that they're there, not whether or not they have clear tracks to indicate that they are there. you just know it in your heart, because you know you feel the silent unspoken connection that ironically speaks for everything else that you've been feeling. the chance that could be said to be very undeserving, yet holding on to a slight glimmer of hope, to make things right. i could try, and i will try, if i had that hope. not knowing how exactly to go about, but knowing that i would put my heart and soul into it, because things really do mean the world to me. all i have here is a heart and willingness to try, because you always bring a smile to me, despite the rough times. and so, i will offer the most bare and simple things just for you, because that's all i have. only one heart to give, to be ready and prepared to handle the storms, and to love.

i realised the hols are ending and i haven't actually done much work! im not even done with the 3 texts that i was supp to read! :/ haha anyway i guess the big party is tonight. hope i won't think so much, and be happy! haha i guess i've thought about several things and i figured i really have the option of either believing and trusting, or to be paranoid and be very unhappy. but i guess this whole thing is really about believing and trusting, even if you know that there is a small percentage that your trust may actually be betrayed in the end. but i've decided to just have faith, even if i don't really have any concrete reason to have complete faith. i guess if the person really betrays what i've given, then the person wouldn't be worth the time and effort, i'll just move on even if i know it'll be very difficult!

finally back! i went sinwen's gigantic house today and it was pretty fun! she has the entire season 1,2,3,4 of one tree hill and im so envious cuz she gets to watch it everyday!! anyway we watched season 1 on her sister's laptop, and then she taught me how to make french toasts! :D haha okay i don't really know how to cook, so learning that is quite a big thing! oh and she's like so high class la, she uses the fork and knife to eat the french toast, and she drinks lipton tea to go along with it! and when it came to making me a cup of coffee, she frosted the milk like what they do at starbucks!after that, i took a long bus ride home. it's been a pretty long while since i took that route, bukit timah to my house. i used to take that route home every day after school back in sc days and today i was quite contented relieving those days! anyway i reflected on alot of things. i realised how reliant and demanding i've become, how some things have actually changed me in terms of character and integrity for the past one year. i've become so much more easily influenced and more willing to give in to people. and maybe because of how much i give, i expect alot in return and that's really a mistake in thinking that way. alot of times, i compromise on alot of what i used to think is right. and other times, you just lose the way and you don't know where to head back. on other occasions, which is right or wrong doesn't seem to matter anymore, just as long as you have him.

hello the hols are coming to an end pretty soon. i've got ogl camp left and then it'll be xmas! (: this hols has been pretty unproductive. all the plans that i've made haven't materialised, and it seems like more important plans on making things better have actually gotten worse.

its the whole thing about not knowing what will be right and wrong. i've held back my tongue on many things, cuz i know saying it would affect you also. but sometimes i feel that i cannot take it, its affecting me so badly that sleepless nights have become a norm. its not you being like that that makes me feel terrible, its knowing you're like that and not knowing what to do. im sorry for everything i've caused. i really am.

well there's this growing fear in me and i dunno what to do about it. its so funny how you can feel so much about something but not put it in proper words. haha i just read all my old entries, and what i said about so many things back then. somehow what i said seems to be coming more and more realisitic. CRASH AND BURN!

i couldn't really sleep last night, although i was really tired from a whole day spent at the funeral. but after listening to my poddie, i managed to get some sleep until i dreamt of something really awful. and then it as so scary, like you could feel the tension building up, and the heavy feeling like something was weighing me down and then i woke up. haha so weird right. its the second night it happened! maybe i shouldn't sleep at all tonight!

hello i havent' been updating much, just that my grandfather passed away. i think it's pretty saddening that he is no longer around. i mean im not really close to him but when my aunt brought up the fact that he wouldn't be around to make new year cookies next year, i just felt really sad. i mean he's like a distant figure, yet he is afterall my grandfather and he did make an impact on my life.

well i've got a few more days to be there at the funeral! so till then!

hello you. i've missed you for a long time. do you feel the same way that i do? or is it just me that feels too much? how much is too much anyway? are you still there? i have so much to say but im so scared it'll be difficult. the funny things you feel that makes all the insecurities evident.

hello i dunno why but i really feel so jaded about __________. i keep thinking why why why do i feel this way? issit cuz of ___________, or just cuz it saps up all your time and energy? i really feel like giving up, and i know i should haf a long time ago and i dunno why but everytime i actually get round to blogging, i blog about this again. can you see the extent to which its haunting me now? it's a decision between giving up, letting my guilty conscience seep in after that, OR just going ahead and believing that maybe things won't be that bad afterall. i ahte this you know. i've been through this shit for like the past four years of rc in sec sch and now i dunno how i got myself back into this shit again.

sighh anyway the china trip really got me thinking about quite a number of things. how i regret doing so many things this year, some of which i really regret with all my heart, and others i don't know whether it really will be a blessing in disguise or it'll be a heartbreak in the end. sometimes you just question if everything is all worth your time and effort? and if that experience is actually going to count towards your developement, or is it just going to leave you shattered and afraid to trust again. who can say that what we have today will ultimately be forever, everlasting? or you could also say maybe we are just meant to live life to the fullest, even if the decisions we make will eventually be our biggest downfall. some say if you feel the pain and hardship of love, then what you have is true love. because only when it matters to you, does it mean that it's genuine and existing.