i wanna trust you. but why do i hear things that are so contradictory to what i think? ahhh i dunno! i dun think you even know how i feel!

things are really starting to look a little bad, and maybe for once i am not hallucinating or thinking too much. hearing stuff that i fear will happen, and yet knowing i should have more trust. but i cannot help it when i know how it feels like, to feel shattered and torn apart. because i've been there, been through it, know what it's like to burn inside.. and i fear it might just happen again. what if she was right? what if i just went ahead despite knowing? is it still possible to crash and burn? this should resemble a path to happy endings. it SHOULD, because im placing my all into it. and i hope you will too.

today's an emo day. i had this whole range of emotions today. i got to know liteng better today and laughed at her stupid jokes for the whole of lunch break! but somehow or other, i felt like shit towards the later part of the day. well and hannah debo and the rest made me pon math lecture to go void deck to eat! dieeee! im gonna be fat! oh i think i should consider going on a diet since someone is on a diet too and it wouldn't be right if i end up being fatter than him! i had a whole talk with hannah in the void deck anyway. i realised it's kinda difficult to put your feelings into words. but i tried to anyway and i felt much better! i think everyone is right, i seriously think too much. but i can't help that i am sensitive to particular to all the nitty gritty details. okay but i should just stop thinking so much in any case!!

i feel so happy and accomplished i finally finished my gp essay! was intending to write it last night but ended up talking to sinwen! ahh i really miss her alot alot, and the last time i saw her was at funorama, which is like a month ago? talked alot about alot of things, and im so thankful i have her to confide in about how i really feel about many things. and it's good that she's in a somewhat similar situation as me, but maybe hers is more stable. but it's good in any case, at least someone would be able to advise me on more things!

omg i just found out that kate beckinsale was from oxford! hahaha i guess that applies to someone? oh but she dropped out because of acting. oh rowan atkinson as well! hahaha!

things were so hazy. but after listening to what cheryl said, i think i really feel much better! (:

school was honestly tiring today. i was the only one who was falling asleep during lit class. but managed to get an extension for my gp essay. im so happy i quit the gp rep post! can you imagine, the amount of notes you have to buy for the class? and most of the time they prob won't pay you back?? haha yeahh!

well skipped projwork today and went holland v w joel and hannah. then joel left and hannah's fren came along. then i left to meet cheryl and mox. and cheryl was with ahem again that she nearly forgot to meet us i think! well was nice catching up! haha we looked so odd in different jc uniforms though. all the different colours! :S

oh and i watched v for vendetta. it wasn't too bad, but i didn't really get the fullstory i think.

hmm so maybe i should really not think so much like what everyone says. i should just go with the flow right?

oh i got bitten like 3-4 times by this gross mosquito during gp today. grrr!!

okays i think im pretty tired. im outt.

i want you to be really happy.

i cannot sit next to hannah during math lectures anymore! she'll just distract me by telling me about her day, and me complaining how i feel irritated with things and then we just both end up not listening! but i have to say that the pencil case thingy was really damn funny!

i haven't gotten into this whole studying thingy..which is really bad! i need to seriously do something about it soon or i'll start failing my tests!

im very irritated with friendster though! it's taking like forever to load things!

aiya okay i dun feel like blogging anymore. bye.

i realised now how everything is just so wrong and wasted. omgg im fucking stupid to have fallen in again!

school was such a bore today. we actually had more talks than ever. feels like a new school year somehow, with new classmates and mixing around and getting to know people all over again. i wanna drop chinese but i dun feel like anymore because my chinese class is so fun! my laoshi's damn funny, she tells like stupid lame jokes and lets us guess other dumb pictures that have hidden chengyu words here and there! but what if i really start to get busy with everything else later on? den wouldn't it be better to drop chinese! ahh i dunno!

okay i know im like damn uptight about certain things, but you have to understand that it's a matter of having dignity! it's quite annoying if people who know the truth go around distorting facts! i don't see the point in that!

and i realised that the fact that im so angry over what happened also means that im really starting to care more and more! omg im so right! and that's a good thing right? someone please tell me it's right!

ahh and i felt damn emo on my way back from holland v today! even though i had gelare w hannah shiyan debo xiang and his fren..i still felt very emo about alot of things. i think im still afraid that i might fall harder.

okaaay so let's hope certain things are kept in place, and wish for a better day tomorrow!!

okay cheryl and i did it again! instead of hiphop today, we went for lunch at fish and co! so sinful!! and it was all because this person here was somehow feeling so tired, even though she slept at 11 plus last night! grr! now im gonna be fat fat fat! and den when it comes to mass pe, i'll die of being unfit! :(

anw i went shopping for someone's present today. i think it's awfully cute, but but i dunno if the person will like it! :(

haha i caught up with my sisters today! okay this sounds weird cuz we live under the same roof, BUT, it's quite seldom that the 3 of us go out together nowadays cuz everyone's so busy! so anyway we had a rather hilarious session of everything that's been going on and it was good hearing my oldest sis make fun of everything, cuz the way she says things are always somewhat nasty!

anw dinner at esmirada near orchard hotel. the food wasn't too bad. but the nicest was the appetisers! but the restaurant itself was so darkkk! it was like pitch black except for the candles!

ahh okay i think this is the point where everyone has so many complications when it comes to affairs of the heart. i think that's quite intimidating. maybe everyone should just take things easier, and naturally? haha but i guess it's true, what if what you're thinking is wrong, that the person doesn't feel that way too?

oh wells.

if every song i wrote for you
would take your breath away
i'll write it all.

esplanade library studying. leonard's party. staying over. laughing alot. movies till late. irregular hours of sleep. sunrise watching. macs breakfast. relationships talking. the 1 hr mrt ride home.

you know, i miss the endless arguements we have, where we simply disagree/agree on things that really don't matter.

shopping with your mum is a good thing! (: she pays for your stuff! so anyway i got 2 tops, and a pair of slippers! oh and flash and splash is having a sale! i met my dear cheryl for a while though, had to help her with her outfit and stuff! i dunno why she actually thought that the brown pants were nice when they were uh, ahmah. anws i stil hafta help her today for a while. i still dunno what to do tonight. and i still need to find an excuse to get out of the house.

well yesterday was really elated! and when i say elated, i don't mean to use it just i wanna increase my vocab, i was really elated! ahh just a few more months! :D you have no idea!

and who the hell is _____________!

ahh okay im outt.

aaand it's just gonna be a few months more till you come back! :D

hahaha let me tell you why i don't feel like it anymoreee...cuz i think im not interested in your little activities and i dunno why also. so you see, it's this whole thing of not knowing why, not knowing when, and not even knowing what is going on that somehow simultaneously comes into the picture, and causing a whole new upheaval of events that leaves you breathless trying to figure out what the hell is going on. and no you're missing the point! and yes i hafta say no. and no, i dunno what this is all about. but im feeling awfully confused again!

okay i regret not going for the sentosa thingy today with the class! boohooo! hahaha all thanks to piano, den took up my entire morning, and den i din know they were gonna have yummy sushi at sentosa! ahh okay but in any case, happy belated bday to joshua!! ((: thanks a million for always listening to me and relating to exactly how i feel and being a really responsible class rep too! i hope you had the nicest bday ever! hahaha!

so have you ever wondered why we even bother putting ourselves through certain things that we know wil not last? issit feeling the pain that is what makes us feel truly alive?

ooh i am happy happy! i made new specs today! im gonna be intellectual looking for once, and not ahmah *frowns at mox, liz, cheryl*. and i can wear my specs to school on non pe days and look like im really studious! yayyyy! i can hardly wait!

okay my sister just got back with a new pair of birkenstocks! and they're so pretty that it annoys me that they aren't mine! hahahaa!

oh i just heard something really retarded that hannah's friend said! so lame laaa!

okay this is a very weird entry! i need to shower so im out.

if you get to me
i might disappear


two am in the morning and i can't get to sleep again. so..im sitting here thinking about things i've said i wouldn't, but how can i when i think you've touched my heart in unsaid ways? but what if what i was thinking is wrong?

i think im really falling this time round. oh my goshh!

post edit.

school was short. probably the best day of the week ever.

swensens after school. sundae specials. shiyan, as usual. josh being scared of being influenced by her. amirah laughing at shiyan again. hannah trying to be kind to shiyan by not laughing but obviously couldn't control it after a while. i think im gonna miss shiyan tons! :(

i reached home at 6 plus today, a friday, stayed home for dinner and talked to my sister about a lot of things. that's something i haven't been doing in a very long while. it felt good though. the idiotic things we laugh at, and i tried my newly learnt tricks from rebecca on my sister. hahaha!

supper at newton. oyster omlette. mmm.


okay im out.

okay so where shall we begin with? band concert was definitely good, but i don't think i was cut out for appreciating the arty side to it, so basically i kinda skipped the second half and went out to talk crap. but the scenery at esplanade was honestly gorgeous! ((:

so school today was exhausting! hannah josh xiang and shiyan went up to the library to sleep after our morning break. i wanted to do that too but figured i should go for lit since we only talk about poems and it isn't that tiring. and then it was lessons all the way, hist lecture, math tutorial, and then came the long one hour plus break! i brought all my gym stuff but i was just too lazy to get my ass there, and besides there wasn't electricity for quite some time so no point going. sat at cafe and talked crap again and played cards. den i went off to change my subject combi. was so thankful they din blow up at me for being so indecisive. i hope i made a right choice of chem though, i think my mum's gonna be very shocked, like none of my sisters took a science sub in jc, so im prob gonna hafta do it all on my own. but i really think history has a lot of work that i prob cannot cope with, like the essay part. and esp since almost everyone i know is dropping hist.

gp today wasn't too bad though. watched a debate video. was interesting but i couldn't help but fall asleep. chi was just waste of time, slept through the 40mins cuz laoshi wasn't there. and then i woke up just before the period ended, went down with shiyan for her shooting briefing. i don't know why but her briefing took very long, cuz we had to wait for the captain. but it was really fun sitting at the bleachers! hahaha!

ahh okay so that was my very boring day! march hols are coming soon! ooh im so happy!! no more waking up at 6am, and attending boring lectures! i hope we have the class study-sleepover thingy though! hahaha okay im outt.

all i have to say is, i guess we don't get everything we want in life. i wanted a whole list of people to stay in ac, but only some are, and more importantly, the one that made the most impact in my life is leaving. it really felt like a deja vu feeling, exactly how i felt when he left last year for the states. on both occasions, i felt like i should have said more, cuz i dunno when will be the next time i'll see you again. it's just this inherent fear of falling too fast, too hard that makes me wanna take a step back and leave.

sometimes i still find talking to you depressing. cuz den i hafta put on a really fake front that im totally alright with things when it's really hurting to know that you are halfway round the world and i feel us drifting by the days and months. will things remain this way or will it change when you come back? either way, this is gonna be hard to overcome.

on a lighter note, this is for cheryl! have faith and patience in Him! i trust that He will not forsake you and He definitely has a greater plan for you, just that maybe you can't see it yet. i'll be praying really hard for you so don't think so much and let go and leave everything to Him yeah. cheer up loads!!

i cannot i cannot i cannot.
i cannot forget these things that you've left behind.
it's like the fire that burns,
only brighter, more violent,
excruciating the soul.

i realised i always think about a lot of things in depth, and then it gets to me cuz i always end up thinking of the worst outcome. that's where most of my energy goes to in school, thinking about senseless things! ridiculous right!

so today was an ultra slack day. i know i shouldn't have, but i ponned history AGAIN! im gonna like suffer the repercussions sooner or later, im gonna be lagging behind so much that it'll be as good as a 2nd intake person not taking history during first 3 months. ahhh i hope i really made the right decision of taking it for a's! i hope i can like cope with it and get a B at least! or else, i really dunno how! i hope i won't hafta camp everyday outside mr ngoei's office asking for help for history!!


ahh so anyway im just uh sitting here, waiting. uh yeahhh.

okay verbal vomit today. had alot of things that were in me for the past week that i din say until today when i was talking to cheryl, den everything spilled out. i think i feel so much better! and i've decided, if you're gonna be concerned about the whole clique thing (provided i haven't interpreted what you said correctly), then i think you're really turning out to be what i feared most.

i started to think about the people who are leaving ac, and den i really felt damn sad suddenly. there wouldn't be the hi-byes along the corridors, jokes that we laugh at, the dumb things we do..

on a lighter note, i think this is the right time to pull out straight away! mm!

hello. im a very bored person whose too lazy to do my homework. all im doing now is waiting for the hours pass so that i can go for dinner at prego where they serve very exquisite dessert wine! sadly, the honeymoon period's nearly over, the work load has already started to pile up and i have to start catching up on everything that i've missed. i still dunno what subjects to take, especially whether to drop history. i really like history cuz it's so interesting but a very subjective subject as well. hmm subjective subject sounds kinda wrong eh? and i dunno if i should take a science subject, like maybe physics as h1, i think i ain't too bad at it if i put in some effort to understand but i think it'll be really dry to study as well. i only have up till this monday to decide so i've got to be a little more snappy!

im gonna miss everyone whose gonna leave 1aa4. especially those whom i won't see on monday! :(:( rebecca, amirah, keith, lynn and justin. i think i never did expect 1aa4 to be this bonded. somehow good things never last. and i want everyone to get into their jcs that they want!!

i think i have to admit that sometimes i am very afraid. a part of me wants to go out there and experience it and yet another part wants to run further away. it's the disappointments and letdowns that may come that keeps me on guard all the time. what if i was right about you? what if you are really materialistic and image conscientious? what if you turn out to be everything i was afraid of?


things should just go slower.

in summary. fortminor was fun. the concert wasn't too good, but the company was definitely good. i just realised how guys can be so much more immatured than girls, and the crazy things they do!

i dunno why but somehow i find that no matter how well things are going, things of the past always comes back. and then im afraid to face the present, cuz im scared i'll end up anticipating and having higher hopes only to find them dashed and fall even faster than ever. it's like being afraid of going through the same thing that i went through during o's.

i still wish sometimes to mean more to you and that you'll at least let me know what's going on in your life.