hello my tag board has been pretty screwed i realised! anyway the year 2006 is ending, and i must say it passed by pretty fast! i don't think i am actually really that accustomed to jc life yet, and what more leading the juniors next year for orientation?! anyway i guess this year has by far been the more eventful year ever. eventful in the sense, i've really been through a rollercoaster of emotions. i guess some things are not really perfect to end off the year of 2006, but i guess it does signify a new start, and i am hoping things wouldn't be so hard on me and i'll pass this phase really quickly.

well on a brighter side, met so many new people, and patched back so many old friendships. i am really really thankful for friends that have been here for me, people who are so willing and ready to listen to me, and those who swear to always be here. i guess i never realised their worth, only when they really stepped out to help and be there and i guess these are the people that i'll be eternally greatful for!

haha well at least now i know how 2007 is going to turn out. i guess i've seen through so much more, and i really don't think the same mistake i made this year happen in 2007, or for that matter, in future. haha i just think things are so unpredictable, like how the ones you think you can rely on the most, can just suddenly turn cold and leave you. it's such a painful fact, but yet such a great lesson learnt.

ahh well, let's just hope the best for 2007! im so gonna change things for the better!


ahh i can't help wondering where you are tonight, if you're out having fun, you must be anyway. you won't need to feel all the obligations to me anymore anyway. but i guess its true, no point holding on anyway.

hello im backk! ogl camp was a blast! the cheerings, enthusiasm, dances, and basically the overall hyped up spirit that everyone had that makes you look forward to orientation 2007! but sadly, the hols are comng to an end. i still have so many things to do, homework, catching up with other friends, doing the many things i wanted to do after exams. how did time fly so fast! haha!

amidst the incessant chatter and laughter,
i still felt so sad.
it scares me even though i don't even know the outcome yet
what would i do?
how will i take it?
why and where did everything just go wrong?
i've never felt so scared before.

changing situations. the sudden realisation of how everything has been. the desperation to make things right and better. which way was it anyway? both were finding the way to get back on the right track again. so many questions asked. uncertainties, doubts suddenly all surfaced. things that you know you feel it only in your heart, it's difficult to put these feelings into words to express, some things you just know that they're there, not whether or not they have clear tracks to indicate that they are there. you just know it in your heart, because you know you feel the silent unspoken connection that ironically speaks for everything else that you've been feeling. the chance that could be said to be very undeserving, yet holding on to a slight glimmer of hope, to make things right. i could try, and i will try, if i had that hope. not knowing how exactly to go about, but knowing that i would put my heart and soul into it, because things really do mean the world to me. all i have here is a heart and willingness to try, because you always bring a smile to me, despite the rough times. and so, i will offer the most bare and simple things just for you, because that's all i have. only one heart to give, to be ready and prepared to handle the storms, and to love.

i realised the hols are ending and i haven't actually done much work! im not even done with the 3 texts that i was supp to read! :/ haha anyway i guess the big party is tonight. hope i won't think so much, and be happy! haha i guess i've thought about several things and i figured i really have the option of either believing and trusting, or to be paranoid and be very unhappy. but i guess this whole thing is really about believing and trusting, even if you know that there is a small percentage that your trust may actually be betrayed in the end. but i've decided to just have faith, even if i don't really have any concrete reason to have complete faith. i guess if the person really betrays what i've given, then the person wouldn't be worth the time and effort, i'll just move on even if i know it'll be very difficult!

finally back! i went sinwen's gigantic house today and it was pretty fun! she has the entire season 1,2,3,4 of one tree hill and im so envious cuz she gets to watch it everyday!! anyway we watched season 1 on her sister's laptop, and then she taught me how to make french toasts! :D haha okay i don't really know how to cook, so learning that is quite a big thing! oh and she's like so high class la, she uses the fork and knife to eat the french toast, and she drinks lipton tea to go along with it! and when it came to making me a cup of coffee, she frosted the milk like what they do at starbucks!after that, i took a long bus ride home. it's been a pretty long while since i took that route, bukit timah to my house. i used to take that route home every day after school back in sc days and today i was quite contented relieving those days! anyway i reflected on alot of things. i realised how reliant and demanding i've become, how some things have actually changed me in terms of character and integrity for the past one year. i've become so much more easily influenced and more willing to give in to people. and maybe because of how much i give, i expect alot in return and that's really a mistake in thinking that way. alot of times, i compromise on alot of what i used to think is right. and other times, you just lose the way and you don't know where to head back. on other occasions, which is right or wrong doesn't seem to matter anymore, just as long as you have him.

hello the hols are coming to an end pretty soon. i've got ogl camp left and then it'll be xmas! (: this hols has been pretty unproductive. all the plans that i've made haven't materialised, and it seems like more important plans on making things better have actually gotten worse.

its the whole thing about not knowing what will be right and wrong. i've held back my tongue on many things, cuz i know saying it would affect you also. but sometimes i feel that i cannot take it, its affecting me so badly that sleepless nights have become a norm. its not you being like that that makes me feel terrible, its knowing you're like that and not knowing what to do. im sorry for everything i've caused. i really am.

well there's this growing fear in me and i dunno what to do about it. its so funny how you can feel so much about something but not put it in proper words. haha i just read all my old entries, and what i said about so many things back then. somehow what i said seems to be coming more and more realisitic. CRASH AND BURN!

i couldn't really sleep last night, although i was really tired from a whole day spent at the funeral. but after listening to my poddie, i managed to get some sleep until i dreamt of something really awful. and then it as so scary, like you could feel the tension building up, and the heavy feeling like something was weighing me down and then i woke up. haha so weird right. its the second night it happened! maybe i shouldn't sleep at all tonight!

hello i havent' been updating much, just that my grandfather passed away. i think it's pretty saddening that he is no longer around. i mean im not really close to him but when my aunt brought up the fact that he wouldn't be around to make new year cookies next year, i just felt really sad. i mean he's like a distant figure, yet he is afterall my grandfather and he did make an impact on my life.

well i've got a few more days to be there at the funeral! so till then!

hello you. i've missed you for a long time. do you feel the same way that i do? or is it just me that feels too much? how much is too much anyway? are you still there? i have so much to say but im so scared it'll be difficult. the funny things you feel that makes all the insecurities evident.

hello i dunno why but i really feel so jaded about __________. i keep thinking why why why do i feel this way? issit cuz of ___________, or just cuz it saps up all your time and energy? i really feel like giving up, and i know i should haf a long time ago and i dunno why but everytime i actually get round to blogging, i blog about this again. can you see the extent to which its haunting me now? it's a decision between giving up, letting my guilty conscience seep in after that, OR just going ahead and believing that maybe things won't be that bad afterall. i ahte this you know. i've been through this shit for like the past four years of rc in sec sch and now i dunno how i got myself back into this shit again.

sighh anyway the china trip really got me thinking about quite a number of things. how i regret doing so many things this year, some of which i really regret with all my heart, and others i don't know whether it really will be a blessing in disguise or it'll be a heartbreak in the end. sometimes you just question if everything is all worth your time and effort? and if that experience is actually going to count towards your developement, or is it just going to leave you shattered and afraid to trust again. who can say that what we have today will ultimately be forever, everlasting? or you could also say maybe we are just meant to live life to the fullest, even if the decisions we make will eventually be our biggest downfall. some say if you feel the pain and hardship of love, then what you have is true love. because only when it matters to you, does it mean that it's genuine and existing.

hellooo! i should do a proper update! im feeling so awful, my throat hurts like maaaaadd and my legs are achy! today cheryl and i decided to try out the dance class at ymca, hiphop to be specific. and we thought it would be like the one at jitterbugs, but turns out...it was far from that. we ended up laughing non stop because firstly, we were so inflexible that each time we stretched, it felt like our legs were gonna snap. and secondly, the instructor made us do situps and pushups for warmups, and cheryl just burst out laughing, which i couldn't help but follow suit cuz she said it was like going for mass pe. anyways, the dance moves were really weird, alot of jumping here and there, and the music wasn't even nice! anyhoo, it was free so can't really expect much!

anyways, dear tommy is going away for a really long time! :( i don't know what i'll do!

oh and cheer up hannahhhh! don't do stupid things ahh! don't go and uhh get back or something!

helloo this is the cake that tommy got me to celebrate my belated birthday proper! i told him once that when i was really young like 6 years old, I wanted a mickey mouse cake for my birthday. so i told my mum, but when she went to bengawan solo a day before my birthday, they said they wouldn't be able to deliver the mickey mouse cake in time. so we went round looking for another mickey mouse cake everywhere but couldn't find one and because it was getting late, i got a ninja turtle cake in the end (which the boys in my kindergarten oogled at after that!). and so that's the story and cuz of that he got me this cake! haha! pretty sweet huh?

haha and that's him peeing! hurhur, kidding!

sunday night dinner at fosters english rose cafe! (pork chop, above, was shaped like a heart!) the food wasn't too bad, they had live music, and I think we saw Jonathan Leong from Singapore Idol. I didn't really know until tommy told me. anyway happy holidays! (:

i stood at the bus stop behind wheelock today, just waiting for all the cars to whiz past so i could cross. and at that moment, i felt like maybe if i just dashed out onto the busy road, maybe everything would be resolved.

i am,
terrified of all things,
frightened of the dark.
i am.
you are,
taller than the mountains,
deeper than the sea.
you are.

can i still come running back?

can you see what i see? or is this just me feeling this way?
im not used to saying what i think.
and neither do i know how to handle these.
beause things just keep repeating themselves over and over again.

it doesn't pay to be kind! don't ever be kind to any mother that resembles mine in character. she's the most ungrateful soul ever! i decided to be nice and initiate to bring my mum to vivocity today cuz my sis's out of town and no one's gonna be home to accompany her anywhere, but guess what. right after we get back, she screams at me for the slightest thing. using my handphone. and i only had to use my handphone because the freaking housephone line was spoilt and there was no other phone to use. and she, being very unappreciative and possibly finding a matter to argue with me about, said that using the handphone brings radiation and i should put down and what not when i had only used it for like what, 20mins? so damn unreasonable. im not going to talk to her for one day!

oh my u know i like intro-ed tommy cake mania like today! and he got hooked onto it so instantly! and now he's at like the circus stage, i dunno what that is! but i do know im kinda sick of it cuz i keep losing! :(

and can you still love me
when you can't see me anymore

hello i found a new purpose in life everyone! go play pizza frenzy!! ((: normally by the time its 1230 am im in bed already but until i found pizza frenzy...it's 1am and im still so hyped up about playing it! it's seriously addictive! go try!! and uh it keeps my mind off things i realised!

sighh i dunno lately things aren't working out too well. but i hope it'll pass by really fast and yeah.

my first halloween! (:

hellooo! im happier these days because i bought 2 new tops, a belt and a clutch! :D:D and im craving to go to some flea market and buy things! anyone who knows of any please tell meee! :D

today was such a bad day. politics politics politics. i din know you could offend people that easily. it's really a complicated world out there. trust me, nothing is as rosy and perfect as it seems to you people. they just have a way of making things seem good to the rest. behind it all, everyone just can't wait to kill each other. and i had to attend a senseless family function which i sat through not saying a word and acting friendly. i don't care i'm going to skip the next family gathering which will be uhh christmas eve! someone please date me for christmas eve and save me from horrendous gross aunties and gross cousins!! :/ and i wish you din have to go out, i really wish you din have to. but its really quite selfish to think this way.

but well yesterday was great fun! (: din get to meet my classmates but..


















had fun with cheryl at vivo!




































and then met tommy for a while!

hello term results are back but im pretty borderline for alot of things so guess that's just means more catching up to do during the hols! :/ it's really fast how year1 of jc just passes by so fast. i guess alot to be thankful for in jc, yet choices that i made that i still regret. i don't know. i'll get by i suppose.

i think it's amazing what impact people have on you. the sacrifaces you make. this really sounds weird but i think i am going to eat lesser and be that size!!

I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places where all the veins meet

paranoia really kills. i tell you one day i'll just lose it and go mad!!

i can't believe i ended school at 2pm, there wasn't anyone to go out with, so i came home and had piano! and the day after that passed soooo slowly! took a seemingly long nap and here i am, online, and really, there is no one to talk to online! where has the world goneee toooo! sighhh!

(oh the stuff below doesn't concern my classmates! just in case cuz u guys always complain about my entries!)

anyway lately alot of things have been happening. things that i don't say out loud. i don't know. all these insecurities, even if it is over the slightest things. but then again, i think sometimes it's not about how small matters seem, it still bears that kind of weight on you. you see, all these minor people you say that they don't matter. but they do, because each of them could mean a repeat history of whatever happened earlier.

i don't know. im like seeing through things that i find very odd, but yet i can't seem to find someone who looks at things the same way as me. well i find that it's very cruel to only care and bother about someone if he's of a certain status. just one slip and everything is lost. everything. it is that harsh, ironically, we practise what we said we would abstain from. and funny how no one brings up anything about the whole matter. just heartless and cold.

oh wells. there's only so much i can do in everything.

i screwed up last night's "panic" quite badly. really sorry cheryl! i promise i'll make it up to you k?

today i hope you had fun going out!

i guess it's really quite ironic, the things they say they'll do for you. but in then end, you really have to rely on yourself.

today i learnt that independence is really important, reliance will only bring you disappointment.

how long am i going to keep this image up? it's really doing me some good to be more discipline and stay away from doing temptations, but im really not used to living up to expectations. how how how. i knew i should have quit back then! i always knew there was this weird something that was nudging me to just quit! i should haf just followed my gut feeling and do what makes me happy! now im really doing things for the sake of it! :/

this is my bestie cheryl ang yu xia,
who never fails to make me laugh
she always chiongs for sales
and tells me all her school tales
she's the only one i'll ever relate to
because she's simply just too cool.
cheryl cheryl cheryl
you know nothing can break whatever we have
here's to more tuition for math (i wanted to say econs too but it doesn't rhyme!) :D :D

hello! today is such a wasted day! i stayed home thinking that my family wanted to go somewhere together but it turns out that my sis has a million and one scripts to mark so we all gotta stay at home! sighh this sucks. everytime i stay at home no one in my family wants to go anyway and when i go out, everyone else wants to go out for dinner as well. see how irritating the situation is? then i get accused for not spending time with family! arghhh!

anyway ytd was quite a fun day. except at night, cuz of some undesirable people that i had to meet. anyway it was fun! caught rob-b-hood with tommy at marina and it was surprisingly not too bad! i think tommy din really like it cuz he din understand the show! anyways! we walked around alot, and i saw a nice pair of earrings from miss selfridge! it was so blingg! i dunno whether it was the lighting at the shop that made it look bling or was it really bling! haha anyway i think it was pretty but i dunno if i should get it! it was like 19 bucks?

anyway i hate it how im already starting to be so busy! arghhh! i hope next week will be much much better!

okay im gonna see what's nice on tv!

so restricted sometimes. i dunno what to do. how to handle. and what exactly should be my priorities.

hello sorry to have to thank people again but ness junqi felly mari liteng becky amirah really deserve a bigger thank you for the cake and party hats and the surprise at fish and co! thank youuuu so muchhh! :D:D:D

thank you to everyone who made my birthday so memorable! especially since i din expect much when it's in the midst of exams. thanks so much! :D:D

standing on the steps with my heart in my hands

2 days more!

thank you junqi for going with me to pw! it really meant alot to me! :D

standing on the steps with my heart in my hands

2 days more!

thank you junqi for going with me to pw! it really meant alot to me! :D

yo exams are less than a week away! i've finally started to feel the pressure after realising that i haven't actualy completed reading brave new world, started on my lit analysis or done any revision for h1 chem. okay i din really intend to pass chem initially but if i fail it'll look so bad on my grades right? sighh loadsa catching up to do, which means i hafta stay up late late late again! :(

anyway school has been quite alright, think lessons are getting more productive, esp when teachers start hinting things! i was pretty annoyed by something that someone said to me that day which was really seriously damn insensitive. i was seriously taken aback when she said that and especially since we hang out together and friends just don't say curt things like that to each other. oh wells. i shall just be more wary i guess!

alrights, happy studying people!

ripped this off Junqi's xanga! im 41% bad!

put a cross on the side. when applicable
[ ] you have gotten F9 grades for math many times
[x] you always do last min hmks in class
[x] you use ur handphone to text ur friends inclass
[ ] your phone got confiscated before
[ ] you listen to ur mp3, cd player in class
[x] you sleep in class
[x] you curse teachers
[x] you are always late for extra classes
[x] you doodle on tables[ ]you make out in class
[ ] you are rebellious with some teachers
[x] you always hand up work late, sometimes, not always
[ ] you make fun of the nerds and geeks because i'm a nerd myself :(((
[x] you have broken school rules
[x] you always don't have the correct books
[ ] you don't take notes
[x] recess is your favourite part of school[x] you hang out after school
[ ] you lie to ur teachers about hmks .
[x]u tell ur parents that u dont have hmks, whenu actually do
[ ] u have made someone cry in school
[x] you copied hmks before
[ ] you threw away hmks before and lie that udidnt recieve it first of all
[x] you laugh at the way some teachers walk
[x] you have been late couple of times

> once done, count the crosses> and then multiply by 4. and post it as> I AM __% bad in school

hello today i was watching the ending of this hongkong show called love on a diet. fyi it stars sammicheng and andylau where they are 2 fat people who eventually lost a lot of weight and fell in love. and so i had a very irritating conversation which followed after that, which was sth like that,

my eldest sis (she's v critical abt people btw) : how hard can it be to make a show about people being fat
me: very!

(BOTH of my sisters burst out laughing like i said the most ridiculous thing on earth)

me: it's true what, it isn't that easy to like make skinny people look fat. the fat suits must be convincing also wad.
sis: but it's harder to make fat people go on a diet to look skinny in a show.
me: in that case why don't you say that it's like people shaving bald to star in a show?
sis: but shave bald already the hair will still grow back wad.

and then i was really lost for words, din know how to argue back. im usually not very vocal cuz my family members are far more critical than me and i normally won't see the point objecting to their views and that was my first in being vocal at home but got completely jacked! :/

anyway i won't be seeing tommy for a really long while, like 3 weeks cuz of exams. which really sucks. ahhhh! good luck to everyone, especially cheryl, whose exam starts tomorrow! you can do it cheryl! good luckkk!

hello my life into exile has started. no more going out, no more tv, no more use of computer, no more coming home late from school, using the comp and doing nothing cuz promos are soo soo near! i don't wish to start a countdown, it's just too scary! anyway i bought a mag today so that i won't feel so upset that i have to study all day long and feel terrible especially when cheryl and tommy end exams earlier and get to play! :/

those words wrongfully said. feelings and outburst that should have been held back. i wish i could say hello and not feel the impending silence. i wish i just din hafta say everything. how did everything that seemed so small evolve into something so serious.

just had econs tuition with cheryl today. and i heard some stuff. i guess some people are just too free to go around spreading rumours, and living in a deluded state. but you do have to know that even the wildest rumours will have no impact on the present, neither will it have an impact on the future. so my dear supposed friend, i do hope that you get this straight and clear, and wake up from your dream!

it's frightening how one small slip may actually cause things to go downhill so fast. and that's exactly what really scares me. the unpredictability of everything else. anyway im so sick and tired of putting the tortoise thing in front for steve irvin. not that i don't respect him or admire him, but it's like, one minute people are saying put a tortoise to respect him, then the next thing they say is put a rose. like wth, so troublesome. and coming to think of it, why did i even follow the crowd and put that tortoise thing?? it doesn't even symbolise him la!

yesterday was a pretty interesting day. had a little advenutre running away from my mum at city hall. well that aside, we went to carl's junior! mmhmm! sourdoughbacon, superstar with cheese and chillicheese fries were yummy! oh and i saw this little boy who was about 4 or 5 years old and he was eating like this styrofoam packet of fried noodles and egg while his brother, prob a few years older was eating a carl's junior burger and omg i felt so sad for the younger boy. he looked like he was going to burst out crying eating that fried noodle thingy.

anyway today's a busy day. council at 12, prob gonna meet tommy for a while, den off to tuition at 730. hope last till at night! :/

yesterday was really disappointing. wanted to back to sc to see teachers and collect cert but i ended up finishing council at like 230. was kinda irritated at first cuz everyone else got to leave sch at 10 plus but i had to stay until so long. but the company was good so it was quite alright in the end. and yesterday was a gloomy dayyy! rained the entire time! went off to meet tommy after everything cuz he was nearby at acsi. went off to collect cert at like 4 plus. haha brought him into sc to explore and it was kinda weird though, don't think i was supposed to do tt. ooh showed him the ecopond which had mini frogs jumping up and down! they were black! :/ i was so grossed up but tommy found it very interesting! yucksss! oh and im sorry my dear minxin i couldn't go back with youu! we'll catch up during the hols for study session okay!

some friends are really not worth having btw. they only come to you when they are in need. how disgusting.

so that was ytd. today i stayed home the whole day intending to do math! but i fell asleep aft several qns and went off to sleep till 430, woke up and realised i had to go to cheryl's house to study w her. left for her place, chatted for a while then went off for dinner near her house. went to buy coffeee after that and then rushed down for tuition at an unearthly hour of 8pm. so late laa! okay and then now i here. okay shall go shower.

oh and tag replies! hello josh michael buble is quite nice to listen to, especially home! and hello looloo and g! heard cheryl saying that she met you all ytd at far east! hope you all had fun! :D

hello hello. mari said i haven't updated in a long while so here i am. so today i kinda skipped polo pe, and sat around and talking to mari and did nothing much. these few days i've been significantly troubled by some shit, which i hope will clear up by tomorrow. n i was seriously irritated by someone who turned off her phone in school today and i couldn't contact her when i needed to discuss seriously impt things with her. oh and yes i hate making decisions. i hate it when people say things like if u go den i go la. if u dun go then i won't go. or things like u make the decision la k. it's so annoying when you're not even bothering to discuss whether to go for it and you're simply leaving me to make the decision on my own. so i've decided we shall all not go since no one wants to give their opinion on things, so that's alright, if u wanna go but din say then that's just too baad! oh and i dunno how to help a certain friend. i feel so angry with the person that the person did something like that, but yet i pity the person. i think that sometimes you do have to be steadfast and be more sensitive. i feel so angry knowing about certain things cuz i know it's not right and yet i dunno how to advise that person. and u know the thing i said i was troubled about and i hope it'll clear up by tmr? well yeah i feel so conflicted about that too. i feel like maybe it'll be a form of pressure release or maybe people will just talk after the whole thing happens, which is what i really hate. okay i guess i can't do anything much about everyone that im irritated with. o wells.

hellohello. seeing things turn out like that makes me lose a little of that faith in me. i don't know. some people are just so despicable as to do such a thing, and the worse thing is the world thinks she's angelic. i think she just brings down the reputation and name of her school. disgusting disgusting.

heyhey!the weekend has been not too bad.stayed home on sat and completed some overdue stuff like eom.and sunday was another tommy day! went out to study at coffee club, and cheryl came by for a while to show me her new haircut (she looks the same actually!) and then we chatted for a while, updated each other on stuff, and after a while she left to meet wanlin! i miss being in the same school as cheryl, miss having someone who shares the same sentiments as me about people and things. :( anyway after studying at coffee club for 3 hours, the waiter came to tell us that they dun allow studying there, uhh after we studied there for 3 hours. hmm yeah so we shifted, went to starbucks for a while, the strawberries and cream drink is very yummy, go try! :D well then we got bored, went off to to cine, and we couldn't decide what to do, so we ended up pressing different elevator levels and spent like 5 mins in the lift deciding where to go, when finally we decided on..arcade!played 2 rounds of daytona, and got totally owned by tommy tan! hmphhh! well and fyi, 2 rounds of daytona is worth 2 bucks! i dunno but that's quite ex to me! and then we went down to kfc, where tommy relieved his days of eating zinger and cheesefries after school with the rest! fatttening stuff! haha then it was dinner w my parents and im hereeee! okay i should go shower and watch michael buble! oh yeah my parents are fans of michael buble! how very hip! :D

long tiring school day, but burger king and funny shots made everything better! (: BUT i can't bring myself to ask you about the whole thing again, and i don't know why. i feel like there has been injustice done, but im like gonna take it lying down even though i don't want to. why can't i just say it. it just seems so difficult.


oh and i wish my mummy would be nicer, then things will be more fun!

late night talks outside taka makes me think, and yet feel all fuzzy at the same time!



no one said you'll be so beautiful


and to my dear cheryl! cheer up! (:

hellohello. the usual has been going on. school, homework, council, late nights. well it has gotten a little better with class gathering at junqi's, an entire night spent out of the house, national day celebrations, watching the fireworks, going to my sis's friend's shop at haji lane. yeapp has been quite fun!

im not so good with words, but this is what i have to say. i somehow just can't see how i've become so overwhelmed with things. there will be times when i think you just don't understand what i mean when i comment on things, but these are things that i really see beyond and feel. or maybe everything's just out of place?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JUNQI!

haha 8 weeks more to promos, kinda scary, especially since everyone has started studying. and i realised that i actually did quite badly for terms, i thought everyone got about the same grades as me, so i wasn;t that bad. but it turns out that other people actually did extremely well enough to get like all Bs, and Cs. so i gotta buck up. alot of things to juggle though, gotta see how i am gonna manage everything else. thank God for national holiday next week, imma gonna cancel all outings and stay at home and study!

well well, the only thing exciting coming up is class bbq, and lunch next week!

oh and my dear minxin! please don't worry about touchrug trials! im sure you'll make it alright! and even if u dun haf a cca, it's actually a blessing, it's better than ending up like me, having a good cca, but busy like shit without any time for myself. but anyway! don't worry and we must meet up soon soon soon! ((:

hello hello. the week has been a busy one, next week will be another busy one. im suddenly stuck in a situation where i hafta choose between a possibly enriching and beneficial life ahead, or a slack around, do whatever i want life. i don't know what i want, if only there was a balance of both. anyhoo, school has been fun! liteng and i had a fun time chilling at THE void deck, while fel mari and junqi pangsehed us! hahaha okay anyway i hope school and things will get better, and that i'll make the right decision, one that i won't regret as much as the other! :/ for now, here's to my dear tuition pal, laughing and talking about everything girl, CHERYL ANG!








































here's to many more tuition classes on weekends, chats on the phone, you picking up the phone and listening to me complain about endless things, helping me to make decisions, and always being here to listen to anything under the sun! :D

oh and i cut my hair!! :D

being really unhappy and worried about certain things has made me realised how i have really made the wrong decision in certain things and i can't exactly turn back now.

hellohello! it's 5.18pm and im homeeee! isn't that amazing!! it's been such a long while since i've been home this early and im pretty happy cuz i kinda miss the feeling of staying at home at the time when the sun's yellow rays shines through the curtains of my room and getting to watch bewitched and hopefully nanny on hallmark from 6-7pm! hmm school was such a bore today though. everyone left early towards the end of the dayyy! :( ness wasn't here, mari and fel left aft lit, so only junqi liteng and i went for econs and math lecture! and during math terrible junqi pangsehed us to sit with her friend so liteng and i ended up aloneee! haha but it was quite fun, talked alot about alot of people! haha! ooh and i had a terrible headache today, i tink it was cuz i listened to the talk about the bone marrow donation thing. and junqi was a brave girl todayyy! she signed up to donate! i don't think i'll ever have the guts to! ooh but pe was so super slackk! did nothing except sit around! ahh okay i need to go noww! noodles are calling! goodbye people!

i finally met and caught up with my dear cheryl today! was actually so tempted to go home and sleep cuz i felt so drowsy from having a flu but since i haven't seen this girl in such a long whileee, i just had to go down! talked alot today, it's like verbal vomit about everything and anything under the sun! think what mr au said is true, we keep things inside for one whole week, and then when we finally meet up at the end of the week we spill everything to each other! haha! well besides that, school was pretty much the same today! junqi said i was mad during math lecture today though! :/

oooh and good luck mox for touchrug tmr! im sure you can do it and gain recognition! all the best!

well this week hasn't been going too good though, especially falling sickk and not being able to see someone on friday, which means for the whole of the rest of this week! rawrs!! please tel me next week will be better! :/

Heaven bend to take my hand and lead me through the fire. be the long awaited answer. to a long and painful fight.

hello to many more emo insomnia saturday nights to come. sometimes i wonder if alcohol really helps.

this is the first time in the week i managed to get more than 5 hours of sleep, watched tv, use the computer proper to blog and do other things and go out on a proper date (meaning dinner and walking around). well the past few days have really been taxing with council, stayed back every day of the week, but it wasn't that bad, it was nice getting to know new people better. (:

well today im missing econs tuition and off to school for council again, rehearsal for invest, and then off to my cousin's wedding. im not very fond of that cousin of mine but im obliged to go and attend anyway. and the worst thing is, i dun really have anything to wear actually..should have bought that zara dress that dayy! then at least i would have something presentable!! ahh okay i shall just go scout around my closet later!

ooh and does anyone know when one tree hill is on starworld? can't seem to find my cable tv guide! think they din deliver it or something!

ahh okay i think school's driving me nuts! as in just everything about school! some people in school are really starting to annoy me alot (and i dun get annoyed with people v often)! i think it's just in their character, but it's really surprising cuz they come from very good secondary schools and i dunno how or why they actually turn out like that. didn't anyone in those secondary schools teach them anything??? i guess some people just live in their own little worlds where they're only concerned with themselves!

oh wells i dunno, everything's in a mess. i think i am rather confused. arghhh.

yesterday was another interesting dayy! ((: school was slack, we ended at like 12.3opm. headed down to dover with ness, fel, mari, junqi to dover market for lunch. becky and amirah were supposed to join us but changed their minds last minute. well so anyway, i've never ever been to dover market, and never ate at a hawker centre without my mum, so it felt quite weird. but the food and sugarcane juice was good! we decided to go to the playground after that, and i sat on the swinggggg! (: i don't know about you all out there, but swings give me the carefree feeling? hmm oh and then ness and junqi climbed up this stone thingy, and i was terrified of heights and din really want to but did it eventually. kinda scary, was so scared i'd fall suddenly! took funny pictures with funny poses! hmm shall post it up as soon as i get the photos from ness, or you can go see her blog if she's updatedd!

hmm went off to meet him after the little playground thingy! we were supposed to go to the airport actually, but he got caught up in school so we decided to do something else different. took a train to marina bay to see what there was there, and it turned out there was nothing but a hot and humid deserted park that hardly anyone goes to! went to habour front next, and it was soooo freaking crowded!! there wasn't anything nice there, only new york pizza which sold cheap and yummy pizzas that come with a chicken wing and a drink! hmm so anyway, after that there was still so much more time to spare, and we decided to take a train all the way to changi in anycase and take back. but since we were at changi, we got off and took a walk in the airport. went to the viewing gallery! at long last, i've been wanting to go there ever since before prelims? hmm but it was quite disappointing, they renovated it and it looks different, you can't see the planes upclose anymore! hmm then we took a trolley and he pushed me around with it but we couldn't really go very fast cuz it was so packed with people! hmm then talk abit about some stuff, i think it must have been our first face to face heart to heart talk. hmm i think i felt better about being honest. (:

well then, it was time to go homeee!

hmm i think this will prob be my last eventful day! next week will be filled with so many council things to do! im gonna get home at like ave 8-9pm! and im gonna miss him as welll! ahhh okay shall see how the week goes! till then!

yoohoooo! exams are over!!! finally some time to rest and do whatever i like. anyways the last 2 days have been very fun i must say! i dunno whether it's cuz i've been so deprived of going out for weeks, or is it because i just like going out with you and spending time together! :D

well on tues i met him, was quite a last minute decision but it was fun anyway! went to subway and had a sandwich and then we talked and talked and there was just like endless talking to do. and ytd we went to marina square. and there was this longines watch fashion show, and all the chic and rich people were there. and we kinda sneaked in to check out the watches, and realised that they were very extravagantly priced! each watch was like 9 million i think. oh and then we realised that it's quite easy to steal the watch also cuz the security wasn't very tight. ooh and marina square is probably like the best shopping place there is! there's like mango, topshop, dorothy perkins, miss selfridge, zara and dunno what else. it's like all the nice shops in orchard combined into one shopping centre! oh and to top it all off, marina has carl's junior, and loads of other nice places to eat at and a really big open space to walk around. okay it wasn't my first time going to marina but i never noticed all these things abt marina.

well anyway the chairs at marina cinema were comfy, and we sat on one and watched the movie previews! and then we went to catch superman returns! not too bad a show, but so lengthy!! i got quite restless towards the end of the show.

hmm so that kinda sums up my two days! bye for now!

sometimes you fight so damn hard for something you want, something that you think will make you feel better. but then you realise that in the process you compromise on other people's happiness. that's when you take a step back, and realise that maybe you just can't have things your own way all the time. there are times when you would rather see other people be happy, even if that means that you have to suffer as well. i've been trying to search for that exact solution for a long time. then i realise that maybe there just isn't a perfect solution, one that fits all. it's just a matter of how you perceive things, which perspective you decide to take and how deep you're willing to let yourself immerse in this. and strangely, sometimes between the harder and easier way, we choose the harder route, even if it means that eventually, you might just be at the losing end. because sometimes your own happiness doesn't take the centre anymore.

it's not always about rainbows and butterflies
it's compromise that moves us along.

these unnecessary chaos.

of all nights i wish i have you here to talk to. at least someone to hear me out.

oooh yayy i changed my layout! got so sick of the other onee! i think im getting better at this html thingy, thought i would take like hours to get everything configured but managed to do it quite fast! anyway exams have been quite screwed. i dun tink there's a paper that i can safely say i did alright for it! haha okay anyway one more paper to go, and then we'll have our freedom then! ((:

read me the story of O
and tell it like you still believe
that the end of century
brings a change for you and me.

im mesmerised by the song amie by damien rice. it's so depressing but yet so comforting at the same time. i dunno if you get me, but go listen to it anyway!

terms in less than 2 days time. and i dont like the feeling of taking exams. sitting in the hall of straight rows of chairs and tables, the eerie silence, the mad scribblings, the feeling of knowing that everyone else probably knows more about the topic than you do, and finally handing up the script, not knowing whether you've actually survived it. and then walking out, comparing answers, and (hopefully not) feeling shitty that you didn't get the same answer as everyone else. so tell me why im only waiting for it to pass quickly and i am not a bit anxious about things??

ahh i dunno. this hols has been not too bad, although exams were at the back of my mind nagging. but at least i could still go out on the pretext of study dates. after terms, and maybe then things will be better.

tution was such a bore today. while waiting for cheryl to come i had serious urge to eat chocolate so i went to seven eleven and bought hershey's and milky bar. and then when she finally arrived and we got to the tuition place, we saw liteng and lace outside laughing cuz they didn't know which room the tution was at. and then when tuition finally started, we were cooped up in this mini room that made you feel claustrophobic. halfway through tuition, cheryl and i just started to lose concentration and we started to lament about how our lives have changed and how some things are never the same again. most of the time people just don't see things the same way as you and you're left wondering if you're the one single weird soul who drifted from the mainstream. and it's little realisations like these that make you more aware of what your life is actually made up of.

becauseididn'tnoticethatthingswerejustglaringatme.andnowthatihavefinallyrealisedit,itaffectsagain.thenagainyourealisethatthereisnoexactsolutiontothis.onlysomethingyouhaftabearwith.
onlysomethingyouhavetobearwith.onlysomethingyoujusthaftabearwith.whetheryoulikeitornot.

stuck with mathhh. someone save me plsss! math is the easiest to score and yet i can't seem to get things right! omggggg!

again, i dunno where this line should go. to be understanding or openminded?

friday was a study day with cherylll boooo! it's been such a while since i hung out with her ever since the week before council camp! went over to her house to do math and go for math tuition aft tt but i ended up sleeping aft doing one question. haha okay im lazy to blog, i wanna talk on the phone.. haha okay go to here to read la. http://outgrownobsession.blogspot.com

i came to quite an important realisation today, well okay maybe not to you, but it is to me. and i guess.. i just wanted to tell you about it. but i kinda guessed perhaps it wasn't the right time cuz i know how you feel, and i don't blame you surprisingly, cuz i know how it's like to feel that way. so i guess i pretty much held back what i wanted to tell you. i'll save it for another day, maybe then you'd be more ready to accept it.

i guess you pretty much have a lot of things to hide. sometimes i still search for answers not because i still care that much about you, but more for curiosity's sake. but if denying things will make things a lot easier for you, then i guess as a friend i'll just hafta respect that. it has always been y0u who dictates how things turn out, and i used to be so affected by it. but this time round, i honestly cannot be bothered.

okay im so pissed with my mum again because i very kindly agreed to accompany her swim (even though im not so much of a swimming person and i AM very tired aft waking up at 6am to send my dad off to mexico at the airport) but after im energised and hyped up to go..she says she doesn't wanna go now, she wants to go in the afternoon! and i am quite tired of this whole spying thing that i was so amused when i was complaining to cheryl and she said this,

outgrownobsession says:
haha eh like your parents give birth to you all ahh to spy on you ahh

i thought that was very apt. okay so anyway today';s a bad day. it's gonna be another boring day spent at home with tons of boring little things to complete. grrr!

but at least ytd wasn't so bad! studying at coffee club was actually quite fun! hahaa!

oh and i was reading some sec3 sc girl's blog abt her and her bf and i realised that secondary schoool couples act spend money very unnecessarily, like cabbing here and there and on clothes and shoes and what not. hmm.

okay im off to shower now.

post camp days have been good so far. dinner buffet on saturday w grandparents, and she's the man movie on sunday. couldn't decide between watching the omen and she's the man. but after figuring out tt i was really quite freaked out aft watching the older version of omen in sec3, i decided maybe chic flicks would be a better choice. and guess what, she's the man was like a modern version of twelfth night. pretty cool stuff.

im so happy to be back, and talking to cheryl again. finally unleashed 5 days worth of things that i wanted to say but wasn't appropiate to be said.

i think some people just live in a disillusioned state as well. i don't get why, but i guess it's cuz they don't get enough attention and create things to make themselves feel better. o wells.

it's time to start mugging though. things need to speed up a little!

o yes and thank you for allowing me to be so honest. i think that's the best thing you could ever do.

yooohoooo!!! im backk from council camppp! it was so draining physically and mentally! but i guess i survived it so it ain't that bad. got to know many people as well, which was the greatest part of it, especially how everyone just stood by everyone and cheered each other on even though we din really know each other that well. so i guess it was all good. but i missed everything. home, my bed, friends, lazing around at home, and especially you. haha and i can't believe i missed miss ng minxin's bday! im so sorry dear! anyway here's a shoutout for youuu! ((:

my dear mox! happy belated bday! so sorry i missed your bday dinner! i hope your day was really fun filled and jolly!! thanks for always being here, even after we move on into jc! i know you always take the time and initiative to ask how i am doing in ac, and always making it a point to find time to meet up! and i think you're one of the rare ones who have seen me through my lowest and lousiest point last year and stood by me and didn't judge me! thanks so much for everything!! ((:

im off to camp, uhh starting from today until friday. i dunno what time i'll be back on friday, but hopefully i'll be dismissed early cuz i tink the camp's gonna be tough and im a loser for such physically breaking camps!

hi and i am new to this game. :/

i feel like i've wasted 2 weeks. alot more to study and now im worried. oh gosh. okay nvm no more outings when i get back from camp. haha!

well well this week has been much fun. late night talks and drinks with cheryl on sunday, shopping on monday, mos on tues and movie watching on wednesday. but the fun was kinda cut short there and now im like in exile (cause of certain unforseen circumstances and things that i dread doing) until terms officially end. i can hardly wait for that day! it's kinda dumb though, was waiting for the june hols, and then now it's taken up and now i hafta turn to wait for after terms to finally take a break! this is never ending!

i think i really miss those days.

i guess i've had enough of this whole i-wanna-have-full-control of whatever that takes place in your life. i guess it's time that people wake up their ideas and realise that the world isn't just made of one single sex, it consists of both female and male. i think you should be open minded, and susceptible to accepting changes. it's not right to compare and judge whatever i do and what my sister did in her time spent in jc, because for one, we're totally different people with different characters, ideas and mindsets. and two, times have changed, especially when my sister and i are nine years apart, close to a decade. the trend then and the trend now are 2 totally different things and i have tried to explain things to you but somehow you don't seem to be able to see the bigger picture. so i guess there isn't much i can do. sometimes it's not that i want to lie, but it's cuz you're always placing restrictions about doing this and that, so i hafta say i went shopping instead of what i actually went to do cuz i know if i said the truth, you would haf said no. and with all your uncalled for suspicions, it makes me want to have to lie more cuz im afraid i'll step out of line. i guess alot is about changing your perspective. it's no use saying that i have changed, when in the first place you never did take the effort to understand me, so what right do you have to judge me and say that i have changed? i guess it takes both sides to work together to make things alright, but with you and your conservative ideas, its never gonna work out. i don't understand why can't you be supportive of me when it comes to certain things? why can't i talk to you just like how the rest do with their mothers about problems that every other teenager faces. its no use trying to get to know me better simply by going out more often with me. the crux of the problem is still the fact that you are unable to accept things, to truly take time to sit down adn listen with an open mind and from there, understand things better. i guess you just make this hols very much hated, esp since i haf to stay at home and face this whole i am suspicious of your every move attitude. you're only pushing me to spend more time in sch or outside when the hols end. and this is exactly what i had planned a long time ago.

smile my sunshine!

and i couldn't find anyone else like you.

tonight this heart is better off, black and dead.

i think it's amazing we all survived uhh 2 terms of jc, and 5 months that have passed? haha how scary how time flies and we're gonna hafta mug for promos now! arghhh! anyway friday was a damn sian day! it was so lethargicly annoying that my dear junqi, whose normally miss prim and proper and attends all lessons, decided to skip econs lecture! i wouldn't have if she didn't ask me to!

oh and den after school was pepper lunch and toys r us! haha all the toys u used to play with, except more glamed up and high tech now! it was FUN! ((:

today's econs tution was hilarious though! liteng came to attend it for the first time! and den after that i had macs lunch w cheryl, finally had a proper face to face talk with her, which made me feel better! could finally say whatever i wanted to say without worrying about people passing comments and making judgements! mmm!

this is the start of hols and it had better not pass so fast like how 5 months in jc has passed!

bad choice to stay at home today! all i did was have piano, read some of my notes and then spent the rest of the day slacking! should haf gone to sch, at least i would have listened in class and learn something. but i think i needed the break too though! cuz i was quite annoyed by certain things that happened in school today. i still don't see the rationale behind it, but nevermind. all these will end soon! and all those self assuming, power grabbing people will no longer matter!

well my sister's off to europe on sat! im so jealous cuz i just read her itineary and she's going to london and paris and barcelona and so many other places! barcelona, mind you! that's the place i want to go ! that's what i mean by going to a city that has gothic architecture and richly cultured! and she's going to get to go to claire's and buy all the nice accessories there! grr! why do we hafta haf terms aft the hols! if we didn't have that, i think i would haf gone on a long trip for 2 weeks also!! :(

so anyway the day is starting to get quite boring. no one was really online today, except cheryl ang cuz she had some holiday thingy. i am starting to get quite lethargic. okay i shall go look for things to do now.

today was an extremely slack day. i went to school thinking that i was going to have lessons for the whole day, so i packed all my heavy worksheets. and then when i got there i realised that they still wanted me to go down even after my listening compre, so anyhoo i went all the way down to yishun safra to support bowling. wasn't too pleased initially, but it turned out better than normal school cuz i got dismissed at 11, 12 plus? went to northpoint with some of the elects to have macs, and sorta talked and joked around and got to know them better! this guy treated all of us to ice cream as well! said he wanted to use up all his money cuz money's meant to be spent? weird analogy. o and i wonder how june camp's gonna be like. im not looking forward to it, neither am i dreading it. just neutral, and gonna see how things go!

so anyway yepp i got home early! and i wanted to bathe and start studying since i have so much time..but guess what, my dear sister had to hog the toilet for an hour! so i fell asleep on the sofa for like an hour in my sch uni? but anyway i fell asleep for 2 hours in the aftnoon, so din really study much.

i missed you today mann!

okay so that was basically my day. for now im just gonna talk to everyone online, and den see how things go for tmr. haha okay. im out.

i feel like school's been weighing me down alot. like this uneasy unnatural feeling of always worrying about something, even if it is the easiest and simplest thing. sometimes i think about it, and i realise that 80percent of my time is spent in school? it never really used to be like that, at least not for long periods like these. well i don't know but i am not really looking forward to the holidays cuz it's gonna be the most taxing june hols i've ever had. it's like one month away from terms, and it worries me alot cuz i know things aren't exactly on track and i have to find a way to remedy everything, and with only one month, i don't think it'll be that sufficient..well yeah okay i just think school's been really hectic. was just watching discovery travel and living during dinner, and they were showing globe trekker. and then i just wished at that moment that i was the host of the show, so that i can go around the world seeing new places, especially places that are like english countryside with the grey skies, little houses, quiet roads, little churches here and there and mostly green fields that covers the entire area with the occasional sight of lambs and mountains in the background view. wouldn't that be a great getaway? you don't have to deal with school, homework and all the other seemingly pressing issues in life.

so he's got an exam tmr, i hope he does well! somehow i also worry, even though it's absolutely nothing that's got to do with me! i wish i had a little more time to spend with him today though. i just wasn't in the mood for a lot of things.

maybe i shld get to sleep soon. i realise sleeping is a hideaway too, unless you dream about schooll also. okay im off.

short post and den im off to do my work! school today was so tiring and long. lectures lessons tutorials ended at 430 and den i had to go off for council till about seven. but it was fun anyway, did some rope course stuff and it was fun talking to everyone.

felt stupid again today, near breaking point again for some reason.

well hmm, nothing interesting seems to have happened for me to blog about. the week's been pretty mundane and long. i think it feels like we have lesser public hols this year? like last year there was always a public hol once every 3 weeks and this year we seem to have a shortage. why are the weeks so long!

i think i am quite stressed over things though. finding ways and means here and there. i'll get by, yes?

okay gp essay is calling! im not fond of it! :(

1.50am. no im not okay, im not that okay as it seems. but there isn't anything i can do. just a whole lot more of courage.

bad night

i realised crying helps to release a lot of the pent up things in you. so i guess this has been going on for quite a fair bit in me, i've never said what i really thought, cuz what if what i really thought was just the opposite of your thinking? wouldn't that make things worse? i always say that i'll do this and that if i see them talking. but somehow i can never bring myself to say those things for some reason. well how do you know what you're feeling is right or wrong? how do you know when you are feeling and thinking too much? how and when do you know that it's the right time to place restrictions? what if the restrictions are just too suffocating? i don't know. i really don't know. and worse of all, i don't know how to say everything.

at least the longest day of my week is over! i finally did the gp test! now im just hoping i pass and get enough marks to pull up my essay, or i'll be so dead for ca marks! well yeah today was a boring day, the one hour twenty min break felt like eternity, and i ended up taking walks with fel and disturbing rebecca at the nachos booth! ooh and today was the first day i sat through chem lecture without falling asleep, and understanding everything that was going on!

i have a zuowen to do now and i don't feel like writing cuz the topics are just so boringg! i find it so ridiculous though, all my sec school life i struggled with passing and aceing higher chinese, and now im back to sq1 doing chinese in jc again. it's quite stupid cuz i should have just taken normal chinese in sec sch cuz the syllabus was like way much easier! grr!

no piano today. i feel guilty i keep cancelling.

i have a feeling im gonna have a big row with my mum this june! as in seriously. something will just trigger it off and then i'll probably say out everything that has been remotely kept inside me. its just waiting to happen.

well tmr's an outing day. im going out no matter what my mum says! it's a friday and i should! hahaha okay im outt to do my zuowen! rawrs!

i just realised that i like doing funny random things. now i wish your bday wasn't over yet, then i can get the thrill of planning something surprising to do, actually doing that something that's surprising, and seeing your reaction! haha!

what if i said what i was thinking
what if that says too much

went down w council to support the rugby match. it was pretty fun, never really got to see the game played upfront since we always sit at the bleachers and the view there isn't exactly clear. well i think they played pretty well, or maybe it's just cuz we were up against nanyang. stood at the bus stop after that waiting for my mum to come and pick me and i had sooo many mosquito bites that i was so irritated! and then got home and lazed around and then he called and talked to him for a while before he went off to study!

hmm i think sometimes it's more of compromising, rather than just hoping that everything else would be rosy. i guess sometimes i don't speak my mind cuz i think that would bring implications. but then again not saying how i feel makes me feel uneasy, so i guess i shall just do it in moderation. sometimes it's not about not trusting. it's like even if you trust, you'll still worry somehow. it's uncalled for worrying but it still happens anyway. i should just take things a little easier right?

i guess im no longer affected by things that used to have a great impact on me. so that's just good, i don't need to put on this front, cuz this is exactly how i feel.

tonight was a awful night. it was just me and my yanyan biscuits. but thank God i had cheryl to talk to me to make this shitty night better!

VESAK DAY! was the day i met up wiht mox and cheryl! it's been a while since i actually sat down and had a proper talk about things that have been going in our lives! it's funny how we hardly see each other nowadays, but each time we meet up, they'll always be something for us to talk about. it's like time and distance isn't a factor to make us drift. so it was lunch at fish and co. i kinda made them wait for me quite long cuz i tot i was meeting them at 1.30pm, but it turned out to be 1pm so i had to rush down. went to shop and look around zara! haven't been there in ages and they have so many nice stuff! saw this pretty green skirt that im considering of getting once i get my allowance! it'll look so beach like!

after that i kinda had to cut short my meeting with mox and cher to get down to cityhall mrt by 3pm. hmm saw many familiar faces here and there. sat at mrs fields for a while and talked crap, and we had a session of baseless and lame accusations, but it was all fun! then we headed back to town again to search for a wallet! the guess wallet was really nice, but there wasn't anymore new pieces at both the paragon and taka outlet. i have a feeling there's another guess outlet but i just can't think of where else. hmm maybe marina sq has one too! so anyway had to cut short my meeting again, and go off for mothers' day dinner at some jap restaurant for buffet! the food wasn't too bad but i was kinda sleepy to take notice anyway!

hmm just had council stuff in the morning. didn't go too badly. hmm.

i don't really like it that my mum's been trying to exercise control over a lot of things right now. like she insists i go for the other econs tuition cuz i missed today's one cuz of council. as in i don't really see the point because it's just one lesson, and going for the tuition is like going for additional lecture. im not gonna benefit that much actually, im just going to be up to date with stuff, which i can read up when i have the time. hmm but i think the more you try to control, the more i feel like rebelling. it isn't gonna work this way.

sometimes i know that after all the fun you have, at the end of the day, there's just this part of me that still feels like something is missing. it's like you know that you have your group of friends for company and all, but sometimes i think that's just not really enough. the familiarity maybe just isn't all there yet, and then you just start feeling nostalgic thinking back on sec sch days.

i don't know. but it's been a really long while.

loh yashi vanessa! this entry goes out to youuuu! see how nice i am to you despite all your repeated suanings of my council one liner and your constant sarcastic mean comments! hmphhhh! better go tag me! (:

I AM BORED! and there's no one to talk to online! everyone's online but no one's saying anything funny/interesting/entertaining! and all the people i wanna talk to have gone to sleep already! whyy whyy whyy! it's a thursday night, an eve before a public hol and people are sleeping so early? where's the logic! and it doens't hel[ that it's really warm and humid! i think i shall go shower again!

i used to get away with so much.
now i can't.

mrt to tanjong pagar, orchard, bishan, khatib, bishan. weirdly relaxing. but it was all worth it! yoohoo it's midweek!

it's not always rainbows and butterflies.
it's compromise that moves us along.

this will be probably the earliest i ever get home this week. jc life really honestly tires me out! thank God for my classmates though! i think they really brighten up my day by the megawatts!!

i guess people change all the time. it's not really that much a case of bad or good change, but more for how great the extent of change is. the same goes with life, we don't ask for things to change, they just happen. but what really matters at the end of the day is how we deal with it, and how able we are to adapt.

i keep trying to make a change, to place a restriction just so that i can hang on to what i have, but it doesn't work and i know the problem will always still exist. so i guess i just hafta learn to accept things and see how it goes.

okay that's enough for today. ((:

the week didn't turn out to be that scary as i thought it would be! in fact, it turned out a whole lot more crazily fun! getting to know the girls in my class more is really quite hilarious! the things that they say and do really gets you laughing so hard! well i hope next week will be a good short 4 days week which leaves me another friday free to get out of the house and go galivanting in town hopefully! i really haven't been to town in quite some time, was supposed to go a few weeks ago with rebecca and amirah but i got busy again! and i don't like being busy!

rj dance night turned out really good though! it was definitely greaattt to see momo perform again! cuz i know she always wanted to ever since sec sch and so on! i actually miss her so much ever since she left ac and i miss hearing her whine to me about her day! we should all catch up together soon!

had tuition this morning with cheryl too! i haven't seen her for the whole week and i have tons and tons of things to tell her but couldn't finish saying cuz she had to go! but it still felt relaxing telling her everything that has happened this week!

and i realised last night on the way back at citylink, that it was the exact same stretch that i was walking on again. but this time, without tears, and bad memories put aside. things are changing.

hmm okay im outt. no one's online! grr!

labour day was a fun day! to the beach to cycle all the way to the end in search of the pink seashells but the tide was too high to see anything so we just hung around for a little while, and buried a tube of mentoes that we agreed will be uncovered 10 years from now! and someone had the dumb idea of planting me at the beach and bringing me food only on weekends! grr! what a lonely idea! and then it was cycling back and going to gelare. sat there and stoned for a little while, and uh, i kinda fell asleep! and then we went to get icecream and ended up ordering some weird flavour called yoghurt with apple crumble or sth. bad choice of flavour, but we finished it anyway. then it was 4 plus, and we decided to get back to the end of the beach to see the tide. so we rented the bike again, which was really expensive, like 8 bucks per hour and cycled there. but this time, it started to pour halfway! and boy was it scary! the lightning and thunder was everywhere suddenly and i thought it was gonna storm really badly but it just rained and then the dumb bicycle chain came out! how awfully scary, i tot i was gonna hafta walk 4km back again! so the rain got heavier so we had to stopby some chalet for a little while to wait for things to subside. and then finally we got backk and took a bus home!

that's what i call an eventful day!

hmm on a not so cheerful note, i think maybe i might just want to be like anyone of you out there. maybe i dun need so much authority, or position. i think all i want is just to have fun, and to know i have people that will always be here for me. i think that's enough to settle everything else and to make everything else pale in comparison.. i really don't know.

okay i gotta catch some sleep. see ya!

i just realised that we have so many similar viewpoints. you're almost like this exact replica of me.

did i just say this week has been challenging? well next week's gonna be ten/hundred times worse! i have a feeling campaigning's gonna drain out most of my energy, but i hope it'll all be good and worth it! sighh.

im gonna miss you alot you know. i sound like im going on a very far away journey, but yeah i really wish i just had a whole day to spend with you with no interruptions. just one day.

ahhh okay i think i'm gonna need all the strength i can get to last through next week. THANK GOD it's only 4 days, one more extra day and i think i'll just collapse of exhaustion. im tired. like really tired of everything.

school wasn't too bad today. rugby match, ac vs cj. ac won by quite a huge margin. hmm i think it's the first time the school bleachers were coloured with light blue uniform people and white shirt uniform people. but it was good all. catching up with the rest at nydc holland v. mushroom madness pizza and water. and the countless times we walked up and down that stretch wondering which place to eat at. and then it was talking about old times and den getting home. this week's been really challenging!

i think im gonna declare tuesdays a go home early day! haha and maybe thursdays too since im getting home alter and later nowadays! it's quite odd how your stamina for the day increases now that it's jc. like in secondary school, i always thought ending at 4pm and getting home by 5pm was gonna be the most tiring day ever, and now we're ending school at that time and getting used to it.

anyhoo, school wasn't too bad today. just a few worrying things here and there but it was all good. pe was quite fun with floorball and then we celebrated marilyn's birthday! happy sweet seventeen girl! ((: and the rest got her an ultra huge princess balloon and a very yummy chocolate cake! haha!

haha well yeah ytd was fun and interesting i must say! haha!

okays im off to uh complete that task that i still haven't done up yet!~ :/

i dunno what to get! arghhhh!

i finally got a haircut! it's not very visible but at least my hair's thinner now! ((: well can you see im updating? there isn't much to update about though. school's been the usual. boring and tiring. i think we all need something new to perk up our school lives! hmm im really tired though. haha i shall just look forward to labour day holiday! one more full week to go which means 5 days of school and then it's a long weekend! ((: for now we shall just hafta endure the week and no matter how torturous it's gonna be!

ooh okay and uh i guess that's about it. im still on my mission to complete a very important task! okay see youuu.

"when life's atrocities forbids you to exclaim your heart's greatest dismays, the unorthodox seems to be the only way out. "

but it's too hard to say
i wish it were simple

things that may be better left unsaid.

so i am really bored at home. and for once i wish i had gone to school to take the gp test! and now im just gonna spend the rest of the day wondering about the house, entertaining myself with the tv and the internet. and no one is online! being sick is sure definitely not fun! hmm okay now i can't decide if i shld take the cough mixture and go to sleep and den wake up to study for math and chi, or study for math and chi and den take the medicine and sleep. i think im gonna watch full house first!

one of these days im gonna break so badly.

you know what? time flies by very fast. council interview results are gonna be out like next week i think. i remember how it felt like just a few weeks ago when i finished my interview and they said the results would be out after the interviewing of second intake, and i thought to myself, that's gonna be a long time till it's out. and now it's just next week and i think i am getting the jitters. thinking back i cannot remember how i did and that scares me cuz im somehow inclined to think i did badly then.

i don't really like staying at home nowadays though. i feel the need to get out the house to go walk somewhere or something, especially when there's no homework to be done, no nice tv programmes. and some people really have to pick on the smallest thing to find fault. but thankfully, i've learnt that silence is the best counter reply. it can either mean that what she's said to me has no effect, or that i didn't catch what she said.

good friday!
-shopping with cheryl
-catching up on things
-long talks on jc life, the things that people just don't get.
-nine dollar tops from f21!
-double movie
-and many other fun things!
-oh and meeting many people!

econs tuition today was no doubt funn! the things that the tutor says, the lamest things about handphone models and the natas fair! okay and now i hafta do like 2 essays by this weekend, and a whole lot of tests to study for! :S

breakdown.

im really seriously thankful that the week is finally over! it's only been four schooling days but it seems like eternity! it has been another mad rollercoaster ride of emotions again! i have no idea why but almost everything seemed annoying to me that i actually feel bad for being so angsty! well and yeah classes are really speeding up, more assignments, more tests, things are kinda settling down into place, which feels really weird after slacking for 3-4 months after the o's. i need to get going on alot of things!

on a lighter note, good friday's finally hereee! i think i can finalyl sleep late without worrying what time i have to get up, and sleep until as late as i want! oh and i had an awful nightmare last night. but the weird thing is, it just faded out and i started to dream about something else. like i din wake up with a start because of it. too much anxiety i think.

and dear char is coming back soonnnn! can hardly wait to meet up with her and then we can go out w yak and laugh alot, like the time when we went to yak's house and hung around the kitchen eating everything we could find and talking and laughing about alot of random things! i dunno how to say this, but it was honestly unrestricted and genuine!

please don't lie.

anyways don't you realise that our favourite songs are always songs that we relate most to? songs that bring out the hidden emotions in us that we've always felt but never told anyone before? and songs that link to the saddest/happiest moments of our life that makes the deepest impression on us. well yeah i dunno i just thought of that somehow today.

im jollyy happy cuz friday's good friday! that means one day less in school, and one more day of waking up late!

after school outings are good! ytd was to petshop and town for window shopping! wasn't too bad, topshop shopping has got to be the more hilarious thing though! and today to ikea today! it wasn't too bad, and we coincidentally met hannah and debo again! they were shopping for a gift for a friend and in the end they bought her a portable stool so that she can bring it everywhere she goes! hannah took quite long to choose the right stool by the way, she couldnt' decide between the brown ones or the yellow browinish ones which din really make a difference actually! and then the rest of the class bought gummies and snacks! i dunno why but going to ikea gives you the feeling that you're overseas. it's like the cafeteria there makes you feel like you're in the states where the stopover cafeterias have the system of queuing up to get your food first before paying. and the sweets and snacks downstairs that always have german/french words on the back of the packaging. it's like stepping into a mini excerpt of foreign land or something!

i wish we had more public holidays. somehow i dunno where all the hols have gone to! last year seemed to have more holidays in the week! :S

things will get better. oh yes it will, i hope.

ahh well i shld get to shower.

i need a getaway.

im gonna need a whole lot more courage that i expected, to overcom alot of things. i guess i never expected things to turn out that complex, but i guess i have to keep thinking positively now.

well on a lighter note, met up with cheryl today and we kinda skipped an hour of econs tuition to go to macs and talked talked talked. quite relieved to get stuff that's been inside me all week off, i guess i really miss sc days where things were much simpler, people were nicer in so many ways, less conniving, and situations were not so complicated. oh and i saw my dearest yaoqi today! she was with anabelle and uh, they were looking for carrie chong at heeren to get hollaback crew tickets? hahaha so odd! but really din expect to see her! the last time i met up with her was like cny, when i popped by when i was around the vicinity to check out her house! i miss her so much!! i should go back one day!

school's been quite a bore lately. tests are coming up. i need to mug alot moreee. i guess i am finding out alot more about other people too! and seeing moments of truths here and there! at least i know now. hahhaa!

aaand i desperately need to meet up with yak for dinner/lunch/whatever! i need to rant and know what's been going on in her life, and talk about everything and anything cuz i haven't seen her in ages!

i missed talking to hannah this whole week though! thank God tempest is over! (:

hmm so these few days in a nutshell. thursday! it rained really heavily so we had to cab down to town! then it was brunch at bk, followed by bag searching at far east. one thing about shopping at far east is that you hafta differentiate between the ahlian and non ahlian fashion! or else you'll just end up looking really weird if you buy ahlian things.

pw was such a waste of time today though. spent like 20mins in class before realising no teacher was coming and we all just left. and den on the way out, i was seriously highly annoyed by a certain someone who said really insensitive things! like although i think you probably have like much more major flaws than me, but i've never said anythings that would have been so direct and untactful! i think you should seriously do a self evaluation before commenting. because of one these days, you're gonna talk non stop while the audience place thieir votes.

okay damn tired
im out.

somehow when im with you, time passes by really quickly. even if we aren't exactly doing anything except sitting around and talking or just staring into space. i can never get enough of you and saying good bye after each meeting is so hard, cuz i know i am gonna miss you for the next few days till i meet you again. :(

i realised i haven't been online these few days. i don't know why but i have this weird feeling if i go home before six, like something's missing? so i end up finding people to go out with till after 6 so i wouldn't feel so weird. well it isn't good, i should get home early on like maybe wed and mug or something. im so far behind in everything! esp lit! i need to get myself started on reading the whole text at one shot!

oh yeah the class wanted to go to the meiji factory ytd! can't remember who said there was a discount on all products on fridays so we wanted to get down and check it out but alot of people couldn't make it so we just headed down to town and then i met him after that for dinner! ((: im quite happy that he actually took the initiative to clear things up! ahhh but i know im gonna miss him alot! even though it's only gonna be a few days of not seeing him! :(

and then i actually went for the mg expresso thing today. uhhh, i guess it was pretty okay. the whole highlight was probably the band performance, it kinda turned into a mini concert where everyone started to jump to the songs! saw alot of people too actually! even though i didn't think that i would!

hmm im waiting for you to call! ((:

i wanna trust you. but why do i hear things that are so contradictory to what i think? ahhh i dunno! i dun think you even know how i feel!

things are really starting to look a little bad, and maybe for once i am not hallucinating or thinking too much. hearing stuff that i fear will happen, and yet knowing i should have more trust. but i cannot help it when i know how it feels like, to feel shattered and torn apart. because i've been there, been through it, know what it's like to burn inside.. and i fear it might just happen again. what if she was right? what if i just went ahead despite knowing? is it still possible to crash and burn? this should resemble a path to happy endings. it SHOULD, because im placing my all into it. and i hope you will too.

today's an emo day. i had this whole range of emotions today. i got to know liteng better today and laughed at her stupid jokes for the whole of lunch break! but somehow or other, i felt like shit towards the later part of the day. well and hannah debo and the rest made me pon math lecture to go void deck to eat! dieeee! im gonna be fat! oh i think i should consider going on a diet since someone is on a diet too and it wouldn't be right if i end up being fatter than him! i had a whole talk with hannah in the void deck anyway. i realised it's kinda difficult to put your feelings into words. but i tried to anyway and i felt much better! i think everyone is right, i seriously think too much. but i can't help that i am sensitive to particular to all the nitty gritty details. okay but i should just stop thinking so much in any case!!

i feel so happy and accomplished i finally finished my gp essay! was intending to write it last night but ended up talking to sinwen! ahh i really miss her alot alot, and the last time i saw her was at funorama, which is like a month ago? talked alot about alot of things, and im so thankful i have her to confide in about how i really feel about many things. and it's good that she's in a somewhat similar situation as me, but maybe hers is more stable. but it's good in any case, at least someone would be able to advise me on more things!

omg i just found out that kate beckinsale was from oxford! hahaha i guess that applies to someone? oh but she dropped out because of acting. oh rowan atkinson as well! hahaha!

things were so hazy. but after listening to what cheryl said, i think i really feel much better! (:

school was honestly tiring today. i was the only one who was falling asleep during lit class. but managed to get an extension for my gp essay. im so happy i quit the gp rep post! can you imagine, the amount of notes you have to buy for the class? and most of the time they prob won't pay you back?? haha yeahh!

well skipped projwork today and went holland v w joel and hannah. then joel left and hannah's fren came along. then i left to meet cheryl and mox. and cheryl was with ahem again that she nearly forgot to meet us i think! well was nice catching up! haha we looked so odd in different jc uniforms though. all the different colours! :S

oh and i watched v for vendetta. it wasn't too bad, but i didn't really get the fullstory i think.

hmm so maybe i should really not think so much like what everyone says. i should just go with the flow right?

oh i got bitten like 3-4 times by this gross mosquito during gp today. grrr!!

okays i think im pretty tired. im outt.

i want you to be really happy.

i cannot sit next to hannah during math lectures anymore! she'll just distract me by telling me about her day, and me complaining how i feel irritated with things and then we just both end up not listening! but i have to say that the pencil case thingy was really damn funny!

i haven't gotten into this whole studying thingy..which is really bad! i need to seriously do something about it soon or i'll start failing my tests!

im very irritated with friendster though! it's taking like forever to load things!

aiya okay i dun feel like blogging anymore. bye.

i realised now how everything is just so wrong and wasted. omgg im fucking stupid to have fallen in again!

school was such a bore today. we actually had more talks than ever. feels like a new school year somehow, with new classmates and mixing around and getting to know people all over again. i wanna drop chinese but i dun feel like anymore because my chinese class is so fun! my laoshi's damn funny, she tells like stupid lame jokes and lets us guess other dumb pictures that have hidden chengyu words here and there! but what if i really start to get busy with everything else later on? den wouldn't it be better to drop chinese! ahh i dunno!

okay i know im like damn uptight about certain things, but you have to understand that it's a matter of having dignity! it's quite annoying if people who know the truth go around distorting facts! i don't see the point in that!

and i realised that the fact that im so angry over what happened also means that im really starting to care more and more! omg im so right! and that's a good thing right? someone please tell me it's right!

ahh and i felt damn emo on my way back from holland v today! even though i had gelare w hannah shiyan debo xiang and his fren..i still felt very emo about alot of things. i think im still afraid that i might fall harder.

okaaay so let's hope certain things are kept in place, and wish for a better day tomorrow!!